


Sonny The Dreamer

by soul_writerr



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Canon Related, Developing Relationship, Dreams vs. Reality, First Kiss, Flirting, Fluff, Getting Together, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Magical Realism, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24607165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_writerr/pseuds/soul_writerr
Summary: Sonny woke up one day expecting to see his husband Rafael beside him. After two frantic calls looking for him, Sonny found out that he and Barba were, in fact, nothing but coworkers. Then how come Sonny could remember marrying him?A story of how Sonny turned vivid dreams into reality.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 231
Kudos: 164





	1. The Dreamer

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of things aligned for this fic to happen. Firstly, I was watching this piece of news where a specialist was talking about how people are having more vivid and weirder dreams during the pandemic (and I have experienced that myself). Then I heard someone describe the plot of Dark Matter by Blake Crouch (which I haven’t read yet) at the same time that I had just started reading Strange The Dreamer by Laini Taylor, and I think the title of that alone already says a lot. 
> 
> And so this idea came to me. I’d say it’s nothing like any of those three things I mentioned but at the same time it’s also a combination of everything I’ve heard and read lately. It might a little out there, but I had so much fun writing this, and I hope you enjoy reading it. 
> 
> Before we get into this, I want to thank Chey (FreckedSkittles) for being such a cheerleader for this story. Her excitement made me SO excited and I am so grateful that she took the time to read this before I started posting it just to appease me. Thank you, lovely.
> 
> Now let's go!

Sonny squeezed his eyes tightly shut before blinking them open slowly, begrudgingly. Judging by how dark the room still was, he knew it was early. _Too_ early, especially for a Sunday morning. 

The night before, he and Rafael had sworn they’d sleep in and enjoy their day off, but when Sonny turned his head to find the space beside himself empty, he figured there was no chance of that happening at all anymore. They were too used to waking up early, no matter how many glasses of wine they’d had the night before.

No matter that they’d fallen asleep particularly late after a good couple hours of twisting and writhing on top of the covers together, they were conditioned to waking up at 7am everyday. Sonny smiled at the memory of last night, then shivered as everything came flooding back in detail. He knew without looking that Rafael had left scratch marks on his back and could still feel the ghost of fingers holding on tight to his biceps.

“Raf?,” he called out towards the cracked door, hoping his husband would come back to bed. If they weren’t capable of sleeping in they could at least enjoy the morning properly. “Rafael?,” Sonny called again when there was no response.

Sonny yawned loudly, stretching, then sat up on the bed. He rolled his head from one side to the other, shaking sleep off himself. The apartment was unusually quiet, even through the early hours. Rafael was always careful to keep noises to a minimum when Sonny was still asleep, but Sonny had a trained ear, especially when it came to sourcing out his husband’s whereabouts.

“Rafael?,” Sonny called again, louder this time. There was still no response, and he frowned. 

He picked up his phone just to check the time again, and it rudely read 07:12am. It was too early for Rafael to have ventured out anywhere, but as Sonny walked out of their bedroom and into the living room, he noticed that Rafael’s shoes weren’t by the door and his phone and keys were also gone.

Rafael liked to pick on him because of how much he worried, but even the ADA would have to admit that being out that early on a Sunday was enough reason for Sonny to feel a little confused. 

To make things worse, said confusion turned into anxiety when Sonny walked into the kitchen to find it the way he’d left it last night; the coffee maker went unused, the sink dry, no sign of Rafael’s coffee mug anywhere. Rafael never left the house before a good cup of coffee.

Sonny immediately grabbed his phone and dialed Rafael’s number, looking around for any signs of where his husband might have gone off to.

“Hello?,” came Rafael’s grumbled greeting, and Sonny breathed a sigh of relief.

“Hey. Where are you?”

“What do you mean where am I? It’s…,” his voice got distant, and when it returned, Rafael sounded exasperated. “7am on a Sunday, Carisi. I’m home, _sleeping_ . Even if you caught a case, there _are_ other ADAs available.”

“What do you mean you’re home?,” Sonny frowned. The only place he hadn’t checked was the bathroom, so he made his way there in quick steps. “I’ve checked everywhere.”

“What?,” Rafael huffed. “What are you talking about?”

Sonny wasn’t surprised to find the bathroom empty. “You’re not home, Rafael, I’ve checked the whole apartment. It’s fine, I’m not upset, I was just worried.”

“Carisi, what the hell are you saying?,” he sounded impatient now. “Can I please go back to sleep or do you really want to play charades with me?”

Sonny caught sight of himself in the mirror then and froze. It was just then that he noticed his hand, more specifically his ring finger, naked. Empty. No sign of his wedding ring. 

He lifted his hand and stared at it, shocked. “Is this a joke?,” Sonny asked, but he didn’t think it was very funny at all. “Did Mike put you up to this?”

“Mike?,” Rafael asked, confused. “You mean Sergeant Dodds? I don’t know what kind of relationship you think Dodds and I have, but I guarantee you we’re not doing whatever it is you think I’m doing. Are we done?”

“Rafael, this isn’t funny,” he said through gritted teeth. He kept looking at his naked hand, not quite believing his eyes. He couldn’t even see the pale band of uncolored skin his ring left behind whenever he removed it. It was like it was never there to begin with. “Come home.”

There was a pause and Sonny heard some shuffling. “Carisi, you’re being weirder than normal. Where are _you?_ Do you want me to call Olivia?” 

Sonny didn’t reply. He turned his back to the mirror and pulled his thin shirt up to check his back. It was as pale as ever, unmarked and smooth. No evidence of Rafael’s possessive hands at all.

He kept Rafael on the line as he exited the bathroom and went into their bedroom again, making a beeline for their wardrobe. He opened both doors and looked inside, his stomach sinking further and further down as he registered nothing but his own shirts and suits.

“Carisi, what’s going on?,” Rafael raised his voice, trying to get his attention. “I’m calling Benson.”

“Stay on the line,” he pleaded, running from the bedroom back into the living room. 

He opened one of the drawers of his console table, the one where he kept important documents, and went through them so fast he almost ripped his birth certificate in half. He looked once, twice, three times, but he couldn’t find their marriage certificate. 

Sonny paused, however, when he recognized another document. The apartment lease. The contract he’d signed. Alone. There was no other name beside his. He was alone.

Sonny ended the call without a word and fell to his knees, contract in hand, head pounding. Heart broken.

* * *

He’d checked his mail and only found correspondence with his name. He checked the bathroom again, where his toothbrush stood alone by the sink. He opened the bedside table he never used, and found it empty save for an old bible. He checked the box where he kept his photo albums, and choked on a sob when he couldn’t find the one he’d ordered for their wedding.

The one Sonny _thought_ he ordered. He had the specific memory of talking to the photographer, of _paying her_ , but his bank account had no evidence of such transaction. Then how was it _possible_?

If this was a joke, a prank, it was an incredibly elaborate one, and he’d never forgive Mike for going through these lengths only to… what? Drive him crazy? It didn’t sound like something his best friend would do, and so just to confirm it, Sonny called him.

“Do you know what time it is?,” was Mike’s greeting. 

“Mike,” Sonny started. He was sitting on the floor by the end of the bed, staring up at the open wardrobe with wet eyes. “I’m going to ask you something and I _beg_ you to please come clean.”

“What? Sonny, what’s going on?,” Mike asked, hurried. “Are you okay?”

“Just--,” he pulled in a long breath, and it sounded shaky. “Just tell me. Are you pulling a prank on me?” 

“A prank? What are you talking about?”

“This morning I woke up and I was alone in my apartment,” Sonny said, and immediately brushed away the tear that rolled down his cheek. “What do you know about that?”

“You’re scaring me,” Mike said, serious and careful. “I’m coming over.”

“No,” Sonny barked. “Just tell me if you’re playing with me.” 

“I’m not, no, of course not,” he said, and Sonny’s whole body sagged. “What’s this about, Sonny?”

“Do you--,” Sonny hesitated, aware that he already sounded crazy enough as it was. “Do you remember being my best man?”

“Your best man? You mean like in a wedding?”

“Yeah, you were my best man. You gave a speech, and everybody thought it was hilarious,” Sonny could remember it clear as day. He even remembered some of the jokes about his old mustache and Rafael’s favorite snacks. 

There was silence, and Sonny knew that meant Mike had no idea what he meant. He didn’t remember, because it never happened. But it _had_ happened. Had it not?

Was it a dream? He’d heard of vivid dreaming before, of people whose dreams seemed so real they mixed dreams and reality. They weren’t aware they were dreaming, they weren’t lucid or conscious, they were just convinced that what they’d seen in their dreams had actually happened.

“I’m sorry, Sonny, but I don’t think--,” it was Mike who hesitated this time. “That didn’t happen, no.”

“Yeah,” he breathed. “I think I just had a really weird dream.”

“Are you sure you can be alone right now? I still think I should come over.”

“I’m fine,” Sonny forced a laugh. “It’s all good. It was just a dream. I guess I woke up weird, you know how sleep cycles are important and what happens when you break them.”

“I guess?,” Mike offered, still sounding worried. “Are you sure?”

“Mike, I’m okay,” he put all the conviction he could muster into those words. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, alright?”

“Okay, but call me if you need anything.”

“Thanks, man. See you.”

Mike paused. “Okay. Bye.”

When Sonny ended the call, three notifications with missed calls from Rafael showed up, and he let his head fall on his hand. What a mess. 

He hit call back and waited with a shaky breath as the line rang.

“What the _hell_ , Carisi?,” Barba all but yelled as he picked up. 

“Barba, I’m so sorry,” Sonny started, placatingly. “I had the weirdest dream and I guess I wasn’t even properly awake when I called you. I was still dreaming, I think.”

“Detective, I’d very much appreciate if you tried to wake up before you went around dialing people’s numbers and scaring them half to death first thing in the morning.”

“Ah Counselor, I didn’t know you cared,” he tried to joke but it fell flat.

“I did call your boss, by the way,” he said curtly. “Good luck with that.”

Barba disconnected the call, and Sonny winced. It was just a matter of time before his Captain called him demanding an explanation, so Sonny got up from the floor with a grimace and went into the kitchen to get some coffee.

The whole time, though, he had the feeling that something just wasn’t quite right.

* * *

Olivia wasn’t happy with him, but she sounded more worried than angry. Apparently Barba had actually contacted her out of fear that he was in danger somehow, not to complain about his absurd lack of professionalism. 

Sonny hadn’t given many details about what happened, but Olivia had asked him, in that whispered tone she used when she was upset, if he needed to talk to someone. She said she could get him Monday morning off to talk to a shrink, but he swore that he didn’t need to.

Now he was second-guessing that decision.

All morning, Sonny had sat in front of his computer researching about vivid dreams. He’d even read some academic studies about dreams being mixed with reality, how dreams were made, how the brain stored said dreams, and even the meaning of some of them. 

Some things sounded more generic than others, but nothing really put a name to what had happened to Sonny that morning. Nothing explained why or how a part of Sonny was convinced that he and Rafael Barba had gotten married on March 28th, 2019.

Dreams didn’t feel the same as memories. For Sonny, dreams had always been something he couldn't quite grasp. He’d wake up in the morning and have the feeling that he’d had either a good or a bad dream, but he could never remember them. His sister Bella was the same, while his two older sisters could recount their dreams like a movie.

Sonny’s memories, however, were detailed. They had always been, but, in his line of work, he’d gotten better at storing facts and details about people. He could recall things down to its innermost specificities and he could retell stories with an unbreakable flow of memories, all available to him at the pull of a thread.

That was how Sonny was able to connect the dots in investigations, that was why he was _good_ at this job. That was how he passed the bar on his first try, because he was great at remembering things; things he read, things he saw, things he _lived_. 

All those things about Barba weren’t dreams. Sonny _knew_ things about the ADA that he doubted he could get from mere _dreams_. Not unless he made them up himself, and he couldn’t possibly have made up Barba’s entire life and a relationship between them. A _marriage_. 

He couldn’t have, and Sonny refused to believe he was making this up, because that could only mean something bad. Something _terrible_. 

It could only mean that Sonny was losing his mind. 


	2. The Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny dreams of their first kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to make it a bit more clear: all the odd-numbered chapters tell the REAL story, while the even-numbered are the dreams Sonny had. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Sonny threw the files on the table and sighed, bone-deep and tired. He brought his hand to his face, the tips of his fingers pressing hard into his eyes. It burned when he closed them, the first sign of just how long he’d been sitting there for, staring at pages upon pages of statements. 

Barba was sitting beside him on the couch, suit jacket, vest and tie off, sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the first few buttons of his shirt open. His suspenders were still in place, and Sonny found that curious more than anything.

“I know I can be unfairly harsh sometimes,” Barba started when Sonny still hadn’t emerged from behind his fingers. “But your team really screwed this one up, Detective.”

“I know,” he pressed harder into his eyeballs, then let go. Bursts of light broke out in front of him, and Sonny blinked rapidly to try and disperse them. “You’re right. That’s why I’m here.”

“Ah, so _ it is _ guilt that’s keeping you around,” he chuckled, and threw the files he’d been looking at on top of Sonny’s. “For a moment there I thought it was my scintillating company.”

“That would keep me around on any regular day but,” Sonny checked his watch and grimaced. “One in the morning is kinda pushing it.” 

“True enough,” Barba leaned back further into the couch. “I appreciate your help, Carisi, but we might as well call it a night. This case is as good as lost.” 

Sonny nodded, looking at the mess they’d made. Files, transcriptions, motions, law books, used napkins, notepads, empty coffee cups, all in disarray. “For what is worth, Counselor, you gave it your best.”

Barba’s face twisted in a pained expression, but he shrugged one shoulder in reply. “Can’t win them all, but it’s not about the win.”

Sonny looked at him, exhausted and beaten. He knew it wasn’t about the win, especially not in this case. He knew how much domestic violence cases took out of Barba, how much deeper it cut. He’d never said it outright, but he’d casually dropped enough information for Sonny to begin to understand the damage his father had done to his family.

Barba had opened up just enough for Sonny to know that, in cases like this, he’d always fight harder. And he’d always fall harder, too.

“Come on, Counselor. We can stop by some 24-hour hole in the wall for some food then I’ll drive you home,” Sonny offered sympathetically, picking up the discarded files and arranging them neatly in a pile on the coffee table.

Barba shook his head slowly. “You don’t have to pity me, Carisi.”

Sonny frowned and turned to look at him. The couch was small, only a two-seater, and there was barely any space between them. “I don’t pity you, Rafael,” he said. “I care about you. I’m your friend.”

“Right,” Barba smiled softly. “ _ Friend _ .” 

“Why do you always dismiss that?,” he challenged.

“I don’t,” Barba replied quickly. “I should be so lucky to have a friend like you.”

“Well,” Sonny gestured to himself with a dramatic wave of his hand. “Here I am.”

“There you are, Detective,” he tilted his head and a strand of hair followed the movement, falling across his forehead. “Time and time again, there you are. Why’s that?”

Sonny understood then that Barba was being vulnerable with him. He sat there beside Sonny, armor off, raw, and gave him an opening to be honest with him. Barba wanted to know the truth.

“What, you think there’s an ulterior motive?,” Sonny asked, suddenly nervous.

“Maybe not,” he paused, turning slightly towards Sonny with a calculating expression. “But no one sticks around for no reason, not without expecting something in return.”

“I don’t expect anything from you,” he said quickly, no hesitation.

Rafael looked at him, long and hard. “Then what is it?”

There were so many possible answers for that question, the biggest one being the man himself. Barba was just mesmerizing in everything he did; from the way he dressed to how he worked, Rafael Barba was like no one else, and Sonny was obsessed with finding out more. He craved the man’s attention the same way he craved learning from him.

It was like an unquenchable thirst that left Sonny wandering aimlessly sometimes, looking for a source of water until Rafael showed up again with the all the answers he needed. 

And so Sonny kept coming for more answers, for more of Barba. For more of what he felt when the other man was around.

“It’s you,” Sonny breathed. “It’s because of you, of course.” 

Sonny thought he sounded desperate, but Rafael’s face went from surprise to recognition quickly, and he offered Sonny a small, intimate smile that made his stomach clench and his heart race. 

Emboldened, he reached for Rafael’s hand and squeezed it, pushing himself closer to the other man even as he admired the tan of his skin and his perfectly manicured nails. He smiled at that last detail, a deep fondness taking over his senses for a moment.

“Carisi,” Rafael called softly, squeezing Sonny’s hand back.

“Call me Sonny,” he replied automatically, looking up at the ADA. “Please.”

“Sonny,” Rafael said as if it were a secret, whispered between them. “Are you sure?”

“About you?,” Sonny asked, and Rafael nodded. “Yeah, of course. I’m always sure when it comes to you.” 

Rafael studied his face, and at last his eyes fell on Sonny’s lips. “Then what are you waiting for?”

As soon as the words were out, Sonny surged forward and took Rafael’s mouth in a kiss that could only be described as something out of his wildest dreams. He’d thought about it so much and for so long that there was no way this wasn’t his imagination playing tricks on him.

But Sonny himself doubted he was creative enough to make up the way Rafael’s lips felt against his, or how his hand curled around his shoulder up to his neck and held him, or the little sound he made when Sonny twirled their tongues together before pushing into Rafael’s mouth. 

The kiss turned deep quickly, and soon Sonny was in a haze of arousal and ecstasy that took his breath away. He never wanted to emerge from this, he never wanted to let go of him, but when he did, Rafael whispered his name again, and  _ he  _ didn’t let go. Rafael kept a hold of Sonny as they shared their air, and as soon as they’d had enough to fill their lungs, he dove in again.

Sonny held Rafael’s face between his hands, his thumbs running over his cheekbones in a tender caress that didn’t match the urgency of their lips and tongues. But he held him like the precious thing he was, he caressed him with the love he deserved to be given, and he kissed him with the hunger he had always felt for him. 

When they separated the second time, Sonny refused to open his eyes, afraid it’d all disappear the second he did. Rafael kept nipping at his bottom lip, pressing light kisses and brushing their noses together. He moved his hands from the ADA’s face to his shoulders, down his biceps, and squeezed.

“Am I dreaming?,” Sonny asked once Rafael moved from soft nips to small pecks. 

He felt Rafael smile. “You must be,” he whispered. “I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to be that much of a good kisser in real life.”

A laugh bubbled out of him, and Sonny opened his eyes to look into Rafael’s bright greens. The other man looked  _ radiant _ and it was the most beautiful sight Sonny had ever seen. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Rafael suggested. “You still up for dinner?”

Sonny pecked his lips again. “My pantry is well stocked, I can cook something back at mine.” 

Rafael hummed. “Shameless.” 

“I think I’ve waited long enough,” he confessed. 

“Me, too.” 

Sonny waited by Carmen’s desk as Rafael turned off the lights and locked his office's door. He reached for the ADA’s hand and led them to the elevator with a goofy grin on his face. He needed that contact, he needed Rafael to ground him, to know that he was there. 

He needed to know that they were  _ together _ .

Rafael responded his smile in kind, squeezing Sonny’s hand. As soon as the elevator doors closed behind them, the ADA turned to him and asked for another kiss. Sonny gave it to him happily, no hesitation as they met in the middle. 

All the while, Sonny gave himself away, too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all SO MUCH for all the positive feedback on the first chapter. I'm so happy to hear you're intrigued by this story. It was a doozy to outline it and to figure out where it would go, but I think it's a fun one.
> 
> Let me know what you think!! MWAH see you tomorrow


	3. The Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny has no idea what's going inside his head, so he continues researching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, back in reality where Sonny tries to figure out what's going on. Can I just say: Mike Dodds is the best. Thank you.
> 
> Enjoy!

Sonny did eventually accept Olivia’s offer to take Monday morning off. Not so he could go and see a therapist, but so he could visit the public library and continue with his research. The dreams weren’t exactly dreams, of that Sonny was sure. As far as Sonny could tell, he’d had a regular, dreamless night of sleep again. 

But the memories were still there in the morning, bright and clear, and a part of him still opened his eyes expecting to see Rafael laying beside him. 

That was also why he needed a little more time before he faced Barba. He wasn’t sure what it would be like to see him when there was something in Sonny that  _ yearned _ for him. His entire being called for Barba, noticed his absence, and that would take a while to wrap his head around.

Sonny was hoping to find less generic titles in the library, check the books out to study and try to figure  _ something  _ out. He was already planning on asking for Friday afternoon off under the guise of going to Staten Island only so he could go into Columbia University to talk to a couple sleep researchers there. 

Truth be told, he was trying to find a solution to a problem he wasn’t even sure he had. 

The section about sleep he found at the library was disappointing, much to Sonny’s frustration. The brooding clerk at the front wasn’t any help either, so he ventured into the psychology section and found some titles about memories and retaining information. He sat by a large window with a pile of books and read through the tables of contents of each one quickly.

Sonny thought he’d hit jackpot when he found a chapter about fabricating false memories only to be immediately terrorized by what that could possibly mean for his mental health and brain activity. 

_ Subjected to trauma _ ?  _ Unhealthy coping mechanisms _ ?  _ Hypnosis _ ? Sonny slammed the book shut and pushed it aside with a trembling hand. He took a deep breath and moved on to the next one, then the next and the next. 

The sun was already high up on the sky but lowering by the time he emerged from his deep dive, and he stood up with an impending sense of hopelessness. The table was covered in books, but none of them covered his specific problem. He doubted any ever will.

Most books spoke of memories of mundane things or implanted information. None of them mentioned anyone potentially remembering a whole chunk of their lives even though nobody else did. No book described falling in love with false memories of someone.

* * *

Sonny had stepped out of the library ready to call it a day and go to work, hoping he wouldn’t bump into Barba anytime soon, when he saw  _ it _ . A bookshop, right across the street. It was almost too on the nose, and Sonny immediately felt suspicious. 

Squeezed between a two-story coffee shop and a tall apartment building was a narrow door with an even narrower store window that read “ _ Dreamer’s Books _ ” across the façade. Sonny crossed the street towards it, taking in the storefront with the kind of trepidation he only felt when visiting suspects. 

Despite the prickling under his skin, Sonny pushed the door open and went in.

Weirdly, the bookshop looked brand new, unused, with a sterile quality that he would never associate with tiny stores anywhere in New York. It smelled like freshly printed paper and, contrastingly, sweet cinnamon. 

It was eerily silent as he walked in, his steps silenced by the dark grey carpet under his shoes. The shelves looked pristine, the spines all perfectly aligned and organized by color. It seemed particularly impractical, but it was aesthetically satisfying enough. As far as he could see, all titles seemed to be somewhat related to dreaming.

The shop was just as narrow as it looked from the outside and he could see straight down to the counter at the back of the store. A young woman sat behind the register, watching him with bright eyes, and she looked as misplaced as this store’s sole existence. 

Despite it being late September, she was wearing a yellow summer dress, her skin golden brown against it, her jet-black hair pulled back into a low ponytail. Throw in a pair of sunglasses and Sonny would think she got plucked straight out of a warm, sunny beach and thrown in here just as randomly as him in his three piece suit.

Or perhaps not so randomly, considering the name of the store and Sonny’s most recent troubles. 

“Hi,” she greeted when Sonny got close enough. “How can I help you?”

Sonny considered her. “I’m not sure you can.”

She smiled, small and amused. “Then why did you come in?”

“I’ve been having weird dreams, and so your store’s name made me curious.”

She leaned forward over the counter and the thin strap of her dress slipped off her shoulder, revealing more skin than it should. Sonny looked away. 

“Vivid and lucid dreaming, dreaming of past lives, mixing dreams and reality,” she listed, and Sonny perked up at the last one. “Everybody who comes in here has a story. What’s yours?” 

Sonny hesitated, and she noticed. She pulled the strap of her dress back up, unbothered, and jumped off her seat. She was much, much taller than Sonny expected, almost coming up eye to eye with him.

“You don’t have to tell me,” she said casually, not a hint of concern in her tone. “But then all my recommendations will stay on the more generic side, I’m afraid.”

He let out a frustrated huff, tired of the generic answers he kept finding. “I had a very, very realistic dream,” he said. “But it was just  _ so realistic _ that I think maybe it wasn’t a dream at all.”

She perked up this time, interested. “You mean like  _ déjà vu _ ?,” she asked, her pronunciation so perfect it was almost obnoxious. 

Sonny shook his head. “No, not really. More like… memories. Actual, real memories,” he said, staring off into the distance as he started to grasp at the vivid images he knew so well by now. Rafael smiling, laughing, reaching for him, touching him. His voice saying Sonny’s name  _ so sweetly _ his stomach clenched.

“At least it  _ feels  _ like memories,” he looked back at the girl, who was listening with something akin to fascination in her bright green eyes. “When I dream, which is rarely, it’s gone once I wake up. But not with this. It’s all still so present and so  _ real _ . I feel like I know things I shouldn’t, like I lived this whole life on my own and nobody else remembers. But how do  _ I  _ remember it, if it never really happened?”

He was starting to sound a little desperate by the end of his rant, but nobody had deigned to listen to him yet. Everybody was worried, uncertain, and he kept mincing his words and walking on eggshells while trying to assure everybody that he was fine. 

Because Sonny  _ was  _ fine, he felt  _ good _ . He felt like there was something great waiting for him somewhere. He just didn’t know  _ where _ it was.

But then this strange woman with her huge feline eyes had listened, and she was smiling at him like she understood, like she believed him. Sonny felt immense relief.

“So have you got anything about that?,” Sonny asked coyly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

“Not on hand,” she chuckled. “Your case sounds very, very special indeed.”

* * *

Sonny got to the precinct right after lunch with a tray of coffee for everybody. He approached his desk with a scowl, a weird feeling of dissonance taking over. There should be a picture frame on his desk, next to his computer. He remembered putting it there, he remembered the picture. 

It showed their hands, Rafael’s on top of his, his fingers curled around Sonny’s palm. Their gold wedding rings blinging with the camera flash. But his desk looked bare, Sonny’s constitution mug the only hint of personality he could see.

Sonny shook his head, pushing the painful memory away. 

His Captain was the first to spot him and she observed him move around his desk and sit down, the coffee tray at the edge of the table for people to grab as they passed. Olivia approached him and took the one that had her name.

“Carisi,” she greeted. “You okay?”

He smiled up at her, hoping it looked reassuring. “I’m good, Cap. Thank you for the time off, it definitely helped.”

Sonny didn’t have the heart to tell her he ditched the shrink, but finding that weird little bookshop had really helped. The young woman at the front - her name was Leti, short for Leticia - had promised to order some books for him and asked Sonny to come back in a couple days. He now had the store’s phone number on speed dial. 

She had asked him for details about his supposed dreams, but he hadn’t offered much more. Waking up one day with memories of a life he’d never lived was something that took time to process, and he told her as much when she asked what the dreams were about. Thankfully, she didn’t press for more after that.

“I’m glad,” Olivia said, smiling softly. “Let me know if you need anything, alright?”

He nodded. “I will. Thanks, Liv.”

Sonny saw, from the corner of his eye, when Mike walked into the precinct and spotted him. He paused mid-stride and looked between Sonny and Olivia, who walked away with a nod and went into her office sipping her coffee. Mike dropped a brown paper bag on his desk and made his way to the breakroom then, gesturing for Sonny to follow him.

With a sigh, he picked up the cup he’d brought for the Sergeant and went after him. 

“I think we should talk about what happened yesterday,” Mike said as Sonny closed the door behind himself. He chuckled.

“No beating around the bush with you, uh?,” he joked, offering the coffee. Mike didn’t take it, keeping his hands on his hips as he scrutinized Sonny. “Mike, I’m sorry I freaked you out, but it was nothing. I’m fine.”

“Are you? I’m still your commanding officer, Sonny. I know Olivia requested time with a therapist for you this morning,” Mike said, serious. Sonny set the coffee cup on the table and sat down with a sigh. “I also know you didn’t go.”

Sonny looked up at him, surprised. He should have known they’d call. When a police Captain requested a therapy session for one of her Detectives and they didn’t show up, they would definitely contact one of their COs. 

A part of Sonny was glad they called Mike and not Olivia. The other part was just slightly embarrassed.

“I don’t need a therapist,” he said, sure. “I took the time to do some research.”

Mike frowned, sitting across from him. “Research? Sonny, what’s going on?”

“You’re not gonna believe me.”

“Try me,” he deadpanned.

With a huff, Sonny leaned back into his chair and crossed his arms. “I woke up on Sunday and I just had all these… memories. I thought it was just a weird dream, but that doesn’t make any sense.”

He told Mike almost the same thing he’d told Leti, about how dreams were so much different than memories. He explained why he had freaked out on Sunday and called him. Mike listened to everything with focused attention, nodding along to what Sonny was saying as if he understood.

By the time he was done, Sonny felt much lighter.

“But you also called Barba,” Mike said, looking a little confused. “Liv said you called Barba, and he called Liv. Why?”

“Because the dreams, or whatever they were, were all about Barba,” he said gravely. “I woke up convinced Barba and I were married.” 

Mike blinked quickly and it was almost comical how his eyes kept getting wider and wider. “Okay,” he said after a moment. “So what did you find in your research?”

Sonny shrugged. “Nothing that really fits the situation, but I’m waiting on some more books.”

“Sonny, this might just be the craziest thing I’ve ever heard,” he started, then leaned closer to him. “But I believe you, okay? And whatever you need, if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.”

“As a friend or as my  _ commanding officer _ ?,” Sonny teased. 

“You ass,” Mike chuckled. “Both. But mostly as your friend.”

He smiled. “Thanks, Mike.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, Sonny is such an unrealiable narrator it was actually really hard to figure out how to spread information when he himself has no fucking clue what's going on. PHEW. 
> 
> I hope yall are still with me. Tomorrow's chapter is another dream and it is very... spicy 👀 hehe MWAH


	4. The Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny has a sex dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you know me, you know I'm not one to write smut at all. Something like this is the best I can do, but I hope you enjoy it anyway!

Sonny blinked awake when the bed dipped as Rafael climbed back in beside him. The ADA immediately snuggled up against his chest, resting his head on Sonny’s chest and hugging him around the waist. He threw a leg over Sonny’s and sighed, content.

“I hate to disrupt your comfort,” Sonny started, voice sounding rough and low. “But I need to use the bathroom.”

Rafael grunted, displeased, but turned away from him and settled back into bed, hugging a pillow instead. 

Sonny hated leaving behind the warmth of Rafael’s embrace, but his bladder was screaming for relief. He also took the opportunity to wash his face and brush his teeth quickly before running back into his room. He paused for just a minute to watch Rafael, eyes closed and face relaxed, still naked in his bed.

He paid no mind to his own nakedness, instead drinking in the sight of the ADA’s shameless exposure. He looked beautiful under the soft light cast by the early morning sun that managed to sneak in through the gaps in the curtains, and Sonny relished it.

Sonny climbed back into their comfortable cocoon of plain sheets and fluffy pillows, immediately pressing himself against Rafael’s back and placing a kiss on his shoulder. He settled like that, an arm around him, his mouth never leaving his skin.

Rafael wiggled back closer to him, and Sonny sighed. “Good morning,” he whispered. It was surreal to think he’d woken up to Rafael still in his bed after the perfect night they’d had. It was too good to be true.

“It’s getting good,” Rafael mumbled as Sonny snaked a hand down his body.

“I see,” he pressed a wet kiss to Rafael’s neck then sucked lightly at his skin. The ADA shivered in his arms. “Quite a nice morning.”

“I agree,” he sighed. “It could be better, though.”

Sonny nipped at his skin. “I’ll try my best.”

He detached himself from Rafael so the man could lay on his back comfortably and slowly made his way down his body. The whole path there was filled with licks and nips and kisses, marking the expanse of tan skin available to his wandering mouth, eyes and hands.

Sonny grabbed and pulled him, rearranging Rafael’s hips and legs until he settled himself between them. He took Rafael into his mouth shamelessly then, gladly, no teasing. 

The ADA’s body started tensing and relaxing at every bob of Sonny’s head, and Sonny couldn’t stop watching him. The way his face twisted in abandon as he handed himself over completely - it was definitely the most beautiful thing Sonny had ever seen.

Last night had been a little more hurried than this, and the only light available in the room then had been the muted yellow glow of Sonny’s bedside lamp. This morning, however, Sonny could watch his every move and reaction plain as day, and what a  _ sight  _ it was.

“Sonny,” Rafael breathed in warning after a few minutes of Sonny’s soft handling, sounding strangled. “Sonny, stop.” 

He did immediately, pulling away and keeping his eyes on Rafael as he took loud gulps of air. Sonny waited for instructions of what to do next, and it came in the form of a grunt and Rafael’s grabby hands pulling at his biceps.

“Please,” he said roughly. “I need you.”

“You sure?,” Sonny pressed an open-mouthed kiss on the inside of Rafael’s thigh. “You’re not sore?”

Rafael shook his head “I’m fine. Come on, get up here.” 

Sonny crawled up the bed with no hurry, carefully, until they were perfectly aligned, like puzzle pieces, and held steady eye-contact as he got Rafael ready with expert fingers. Rafael kept making the nicest little noises, calling Sonny’s name like a prayer and breathing shuddering breaths against his lips.

Once they finally joined each other, perfect and slow, Rafael let out a low, drawn out sound that gave Sonny goosebumps and made his arms shake where he was trying to hold himself up. 

Sonny leaned down and pressed a claiming kiss to Rafael’s half-open mouth. “I’ll take care of you,” he promised, tone heated.

“Yeah?,” Rafael grabbed his biceps and pulled him onto him. “You’re so good at taking care of me, Sonny.” 

After that, it was hard to keep himself from losing it completely. The bed felt molten, liquefied, and they were floating alone in space, their bodies meeting in a calm but deep rhythm that slowly but surely brought them to a level of ecstasy that Sonny immediately branded otherworldly. 

“You feel so good,” Sonny gasped, keeping a controlled pace. He never wanted this to end, he could never have enough, he just wanted to stay right there in that moment with Rafael. “God, you’re so  _ beautiful _ , Rafael.”

Rafael’s hands snaked into his hair and he pulled Sonny down for a languid, grounding kiss, licking into his mouth in a hopeful chase of his own taste. 

They continued like that for as long as they could before holding back started getting uncomfortable. Rafael wrapped his legs around Sonny’s waist and kept his hands tugging at Sonny’s hair, their mouths never parting as they chased their completion in each other’s bodies. 

Sonny couldn’t breathe, he could barely move with the hold Rafael had on him, but he held himself together just enough for them to finish. Rafael’s short yell of pleasure was immediately swallowed, and Sonny froze, shook, and kept their bodies joined as he pulled their mouths apart to announce his climax up to the sky.

There was a buzzing around him, and his vision swam a couple times before he squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again. His body was burning, trembling, and his hips still felt tightly locked in place. He was gasping for air, Rafael’s taste on his tongue, on the roof of his mouth, the feel of him all around him, the heat between them slowly relaxing his body.

Rafael’s hands let go of Sonny’s hair and took a hold of his face. He brought Sonny’s head back down to look at him and, when their eyes met, Sonny felt tethered to the Earth in a way he had never experienced before. The green of Rafael’s eyes brought him back from the religious experience he was having, and he knew what they had was real. It had to be.

* * *

Sonny watched, increasingly amused, as Rafael looked at the row of cupcakes with unbidden interest. It’d been a good two minutes, and the ADA had still to choose one. Sonny saw his eyes go from the red velvet to the chocolate with peanut butter frosting repeatedly, and approached him with wide steps.

“Why don’t you get both?,” he suggested. “You can indulge a little.”

Rafael hummed. “Can I?”

“Sure,” Sonny winked. “You’ve lost a lot of energy since last night, you might need the sugar intake.”

“So crude,” he said with a self-satisfied smirk.

They’d stayed in bed for another hour or so, touching, kissing and talking in whispers between them - like they were keeping secrets from the world around themselves. But eventually they had to eat, and so Sonny suggested walking down to the nice coffee shop around the corner.

The place was fancier and more expensive than Starbucks, but it offered fresh pastries and baked-goods, and made every type of coffee one could ask. That was more than enough to convince Rafael, even though Sonny regretted his suggestion as soon as the ADA started putting his clothes back on. 

He had settled for only his grey slacks and white button up, but Sonny pouted as it obstructed his view. Rafael’s response was a deep kiss that left Sonny dizzy and dazed enough to almost turn the wrong way when walking down the street.

Once they settled in a table by the window with their absurd pile of pastries and hot cups of coffee, mostly hidden away from the early morning rush, Sonny was consumed by a weird sense of dissonance. 

“We should talk about last night,” Sonny heard himself say, and watched himself casually pick up his coffee and take a sip. He knew it burned his tongue, but he didn’t feel it.

“And this morning,” Rafael added. 

“Yeah, and this morning,” he chuckled. 

Rafael looked at him for a moment. “Do you regret it?”

“Absolutely not,” Sonny hurried to say, settling his cup back down. “No, it was amazing. I just wanted — I wanted to ask what it means.”

“I was wondering when you’d pull the ‘what are we’ conversation on me,” he said, but not unkindly. “So let me be very upfront with you. I’ve wanted you for a long time, and now knowing that you feel the same, I don’t want to let this go.”

Sonny felt like he’d just swallowed the sun. “Yeah, yeah, that’s good,” Sonny nodded, enthusiastic. “I feel the same.”

“Good,” Rafael picked up a croissant. “But do we have to label this right now?”

“Not at all. I know it’s early,” Sonny said, and took another sip of coffee. “But I want us to be exclusive.” 

Rafael raised an eyebrow at him. “I wasn’t planning on sleeping with anyone else.” 

Sonny felt his cheeks heat up. “Good. Great, yeah. Me neither.” 

They ate in silence for a moment, but Sonny kept glancing at Rafael. He was so calm, so collected, while Sonny felt like he was living an out-of-body experience. 

“I never thought you’d be so…,” Rafael started, buttering his next bite of croissant. He looked over at Sonny, curious. 

“What?,” he pressed, suddenly nervous. 

Rafael slowly smirked. “Dominant.” 

Sonny felt like he came back into himself then, his hand tightening around his cup as Rafael threw him a filthy look that made him bite into his own scorched tongue. 

“I can be whatever you want me to be, Counselor,” he said, low and meaningful. Rafael’s eyes turned slightly darker, and he looked pleased.

“We’ll see about that,” he said, and threw a piece of croissant into his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow's chapter might come a little late because I have a presentation but let me you: it is a good one! Real Sonny has to meet Real Rafael after avoiding him for days. I wonder how that's gonna go, uh?
> 
> Don't forget to leave a kudo if you're enjoying this story! I want to see if we can get this story to 100! MWAH see you tomorrow


	5. The True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny talks to Rafael and comes up with new theories for what's going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost at the halfway point and I think things really take a turn after this. Sonny's more motivated than ever!
> 
> Enjoy

It was three days later that Sonny found himself in Barba’s office for the first time ever since he’d discovered the memories. He’d avoided the ADA as much as he could, but given how often he worked with the squad, it was just a matter of time before Sonny had to face him. 

Although Sonny was slowly but surely learning to separate his false memories from the actual facts of his life, he had no idea what kind of reaction he’d have once confronted with the man he couldn’t stop thinking about. Sonny craved his presence more and more every day, as if Barba were a missing piece in his routine, and so seeing the ADA sounded like both a blessing and a nerve-wracking experience.

Sonny felt nervous as he walked down the hallway towards Barba’s office. He could already spot Carmen sitting at her desk, and he was surprised to find his hands shaking in anticipation.

“Detective Carisi,” she greeted with a friendly smile, then stood up to open the office door. “Mr. Barba is waiting for you.” 

“Thanks, Carmen,” he replied, voice just above a whisper. 

And then Sonny was looking at Rafael, and his tongue got stuck to the roof of his mouth and his stomach knotted into itself about ten times. 

He looked drained in a way. Heavy, a weight pulling him down from his neck. Of course he still looked as grand and as stoic as ever, like a man who knew his purpose. His pen ran across his notepad in an enviable speed, and his confidence in his work came out of him in waves that drew Sonny in against his better judgment. 

Sonny stepped closer, pulled in by his presence, but this wasn’t the Rafael he was expecting to see. In his dreams, Rafael was lighter, he didn’t stomp, he had no weight, he floated, and he  _ smiled _ .

This Barba did not smile. He looked up at Sonny then back down at his work without breaking his flow, and Sonny saw no reaction. It made his whole being ache for the Rafael that greeted him with a tender kiss and a caressing hand.

“Detective,” was the only greeting he got. “Feeling better?”

Sonny blinked at him, surprised at the sourness in Rafael’s tone. “What?”

Barba huffed. “You’ve forgotten already?,” only then his pen stopped. “You called me early Sunday morning asking for my whereabouts.” 

“Ah,” he shifted in place, embarrassed. “Sorry about that. I had a weird dream.”

“So you’ve said,” Barba leaned back and looked at him with an scrutinizing gaze. “What was this dream, exactly?”

Sonny waved a hand, slightly panicked. “Nothing too interesting, Counselor, I wouldn’t want to waste any more of your time. The Captain said you needed to go over my statement for the trial next week.”

Barba didn’t say anything for a couple beats. “Carisi, I’ve seen too many people lose themselves because of this job. If you’re dealing with something right now, don’t take it lightly.”

Sonny couldn’t help but smile. “So you  _ do  _ care,” he sat down across from him. “Would you say we’re friends, then?”

Barba smirked at him. “Why? Are you trying to shadow me again?”

“I’m just asking, Barba, alright?,” he rolled his eyes. “No ulterior motives.”

“Ah. I’d say friend _ ly, _ ” he shrugged. “Friends I’m not so sure.”

“Why?,” Sonny frowned.

“Well, I think we’ve got a good professional relationship. I don’t make the habit of mixing things,” Barba smirked again. “Despite getting particularly inappropriate calls on Sunday mornings.”

Sonny ignored the barb. “You and Olivia are good friends, aren’t you? But you also work together.”

“Are you interrogating me?,” he raised an eyebrow at him. “If there’s a point to this please get to it so we can get to work.” 

It was disconcerting looking at this version of Barba, brash and a little rude, when he kept seeing flashes of another version of Rafael looking up at him, whispering endearments before asking for a kiss. 

Sonny’s chest tightened with a longing so strong he almost whimpered. 

It was with a cruel dawning realization that Sonny came to terms with the fact that he really was in love with the man in his memories; the man he’d fished out of an alternate reality where they were happy together. But the only version of that man that existed to him was the one sitting across from him.

Brilliant, remarkable ADA Barba who kept Sonny at arm-length’s. Barba, who  _ cared  _ about Sonny, who had been worried enough to ask for Olivia’s help. Barba, who tried to bite his head off then drew him in with his own particular brand of kindness and understanding.

“Nah, there’s no point. I was just wondering because I see you as a friend to me, Barba,” Sonny told him honestly. “And if it’s any consolation, I called Sergeant Dodds as well on Sunday.” 

He snorted. “Aren’t you considerate?”

“You know me,” Sonny shrugged. “I like to make sure everyone’s included. But thanks, Barba. For caring.” 

“You can thank me by making your visit worthwhile,” there it was again, but this time Sonny laughed. Barba looked amused for a moment, then went back into ADA mode. 

“Let’s get to work, then,” Sonny sat back comfortably and, as Barba started reading off his report for context, he let his mind wonder. 

Just how far off was this Barba from the memories Sonny had?

* * *

“Do you believe in alternate realities?,” Sonny asked as he burst through the door and marched into Leti’s shop on Friday. She barely blinked at his over the top entrance.

“I believe in everything,” she said, tilting her head. 

“What if I somehow got to see into a dimension where Barba and I got married?,” he asked, and as soon as those words were out of his mouth a veil of mortification settled over him. He heard how absurdly crazy that sounded.

Leti, however, only looked curious. “Who’s Barba?”

Sonny gaped, just then noticing he’d slipped. He’d told himself he wasn’t going to tell her about Rafael. It wouldn’t do him any good to name him to a stranger and the vulnerability he was now feeling made him want to turn on his heel and leave. 

But Leti had been nothing but understanding so far, and he couldn’t simply run away from that. Not when he needed it so desperately. 

“A coworker,” Sonny said, unsure of how to express just everything Barba was to him. “A friend.”

“A friend,” she repeated. “Nothing more than that?”

“I don’t know, do I?,” he threw his hands up frustratingly. “I don’t know if it’s just getting all crazy inside my head because of the dreams or if--”

Leti smiled. “Just how  _ alternate _ would this reality be, then?”

“I mean it, he doesn’t know anything. It’s all just happening inside my  _ own  _ head,” Sonny said, trying to convince himself more than anyone.

“ _ Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real _ ?,” she said in a grave voice, then laughed. 

Sonny gaped at her. “Did you just quote  _ Harry Potter  _ at me?”

“You looked like you were about to have a meltdown,” Leti shrugged and got up from her seat. “Besides, the point stands.”

She turned away from him and disappeared through the door behind the counter. Sonny had no idea what she kept there, but he guessed it was some sort of stock room because she came back a couple minutes later with an armful of books. 

“If your current theory is that you somehow broke through an alternate reality I’m afraid these aren’t the right books anymore,” she said, dropping all the books on the counter with a dull thud.

Sonny waved a hand. “I’ll still take them. I actually have no idea what’s going on anyway.”

“Why are you so worried about figuring out what the dreams are?,” Leti asked, a dreamy quality glazing over her eyes. “Isn’t what they mean more important?”

Sonny was fixating on figuring this out because he was scared. He was terrified of what it meant, in more than one level. He’d gone through many theories; his researching was not short on an unimaginable realm of possibilities. He’d found cults, he’d read about angels and demons, fables of gifted Gods who walked among them, and even insects that supposedly crawled inside your ear in your sleep.

Some websites claimed to have proof that all these things existed, and Sonny did lose himself in a couple forum threads. One of the most fascinating was the theory that spoke of Gods - be it the good Catholic in him or the theorists’ frighteningly convincing descriptions of these Gods and their rituals, it had kept Sonny up all night reading post after post.

Investigating was how Sonny got his answers, and so that was what he had been doing, almost nonstop. He couldn’t face the possibility of something being seriously wrong with him, but he also didn’t want to lose sight of what was  _ real _ .

And, in this reality, right then and there, Sonny Carisi and Rafael Barba were not married. 

“If I find out what they are, I can find out what they mean,” was Sonny’s only response, and he pulled out his card to pay for the three books Leti had ordered him. 

She shook her head at the offered card. “Tell me the whole truth about this Barba guy.”

Sonny scowled, widening his stance. “You bribing me for personal information? Just in case you didn’t know, I’m a cop.”

“I’m not bribing you, I’m  _ helping  _ you,” Leti rolled her eyes in a way that reminded Sonny of his youngest sister. “And you’re helping me, too. You’re not the only one doing research, you know.”

“Look, Barba doesn’t know what’s going on, so I’m not involving him in this.”

“You already told me his last name, that you work together, and that you think you married him in some other planet,” Leti crossed her arms over her chest. “I can connect the dots.” 

“Yeah, I’m still not telling you anything.” 

“Suit yourself,” she eventually said, and plucked Sonny’s card out of his hand.

He watched her attentively as she processed his purchase and bagged the books. She was wearing a summer dress again, and it was shorter than the first one despite it being even colder now. 

Her hair was down this time, long and unruly. For how classy the dress looked, the hair was remarkably unkempt. 

“Here you go,” Leti said with a tight smile. “I hope you find what you’re looking for. If you don’t, I can order some more.” 

Sonny nodded and took the bag from her. “Thanks.”

“I promise I’ll be less nosy next time,” Leti offered sweetly. “I’m just trying to help.”

“I know,” Sonny smiled back and said his goodbyes with a wave. 

As soon as he hit the sidewalk, books under his arm, Sonny pulled out his phone.

“Hey Mike, you still at the precinct? Can you run an address for me?”

Investigating was how Sonny found his answers, but only once he started asking the right questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 is another dream of their relationship and it'll be up on monday! So how's Sonny investigation going?? Anyone's got any theories about what's going on? I'd love to hear them!
> 
> MWAH thank you for reading these chapters this week. We'll see what happens next week!


	6. The False

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny dreams of love declarations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are really going to start to change from here! Enjoy!

There was soft jazz music playing, and Sonny looked from the kitchen to the living room to see Rafael dancing with a glass of wine in hand. He had his eyes closed, and he looked ethereal with the way the flames from the fireplace cast flickering shadows across his peaceful face.

Sonny stopped grating the block of cheese he had in hand to watch him, a soft smile pulling at the corners of his lips. Nights like this had become familiar, but it never ceased to amaze him. Rafael’s presence - he just looked like he belonged there, in Sonny’s apartment, dancing around the room freely. 

The weight of the world had been forgotten and there was only Rafael in it, relaxed and happy. 

He floated, steps light and fluid, not even pausing when the track changed, too absorbed to let it deter him. He was one with the music, and he looked so beautiful it ached something deep within Sonny’s chest. The way he craved this man was unbelievable - even though Rafael was right there, Sonny wanted  _ more _ . 

Sonny nearly jumped out of his skin when the oven timer went off, shrill and loud in the quietude of their evening. But Rafael immediately turned to him, expectant and excited. He abandoned his dancing to go into the kitchen, where Sonny pulled their food out of the oven and set it on the kitchen island.

“My nonna used to say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” he said with his most charming smile. “So get ready to fall in love with me, Raf. This is the best lasagna you will  _ ever  _ have.”

Rafael was looking at him with such fondness that it made Sonny’s breath hitch. Sonny had become a weak man when it came to Rafael, and he was sure it showed all over his face.

Rafael stepped closer to him then, a hand on Sonny’s lower back keeping him grounded as he eyed the food with an interested consideration.

“Well, you’ve never disappointed me before,” Rafael said. “But I have to say lasagna is one of my favorite foods, so my standards are really, really high.”

“Let’s see it then,” Sonny pulled out two forks and offered one to Rafael. 

Normally Sonny would set the table and serve them properly, but leaning against the kitchen island with Rafael glued to his side was much better than sitting across from him, so he pulled the lasagna closer and waited.

Rafael poked at the corner and cut out a forkful, licking his lips in anticipation. The lasagna was smoking hot, and Sonny jumped up in a hurry.

“Wait,” he grabbed the grated cheese he’d forgotten and sprinkled some on top of the lasagna bite on Rafael’s fork. It immediately melted, and Rafael blew at it before eating.

Sonny knew it was good - he knew this recipe by heart and he’d made it a hundred times. People always complimented it, and Sonny was happy to share his cooking secrets with Rafael. Seeing the approval in Rafael’s eyes, however, was in a whole other level of personal satisfaction for him.

The ADA hummed, pleased, closing his eyes as he chewed. He was in no hurry, and savoring each new bite with clear appreciation. 

Rafael went for another bite as soon as he swallowed it, then another. He took a sip of his wine in between, and Sonny couldn’t stop watching him. He was sure it’d look creepy to anyone else, but Rafael had a hold on in that felt physical despite their only point of contact being the hand on his back.

Once he set his glass back down, Rafael turned to him with a smile.

“This is amazing, Sonny,” he said, proud. “You’ve really outdone yourself.”

“Yeah?,” Sonny beamed at him. “I’m glad.”

“You know you’re a good cook,” Rafael said with a knowing look, then picked up a new forkful and offered it to Sonny.

Sonny took it gladly, and his mouth immediately exploded with the flavors he loved so much. He imitated Rafael’s hum of satisfaction, and the ADA laughed. 

“I love you,” Rafael said, low and intimate between them. Sonny’s next exhale came so sudden it sounded like a sob and he swallowed in a hurry to avoid choking.

He’d longed to hear those words, and now here they were. Real, raw, and full of so much meaning he couldn’t help but lean in and kiss those words right out of Rafael’s mouth. It was a slow kiss, made to appreciate the man in front of him, and when they parted, he still had that same fond look on his face.

“I love you, too,” Sonny replied, eyes wide, the words breathed against Rafael’s mouth. He felt the other man smile, his lips stretched and his nose scrunched with it. “I guess my nonna was right.”

“Maybe,” Rafael shrugged. “But it wasn’t the lasagna that made me fall for you, you know.”

“It was my harsh accent and terrible manners, I knew it,” Sonny teased, turning to pull Rafael closer to him. The kitchen disappeared around them the second Sonny looked into his eyes. 

Rafael laughed, shaking his head amusedly. “Yes, exactly,” he pecked Sonny on the lips. “And your compassion, kindness, intelligence, dedication, morals, had nothing to do with it at all.” 

Sonny ducked his head, face heating up. “Aw Raf, you’re getting soft.”

“I am, and it’s your fault.” 

Rafael started dancing again, this time taking Sonny along with him. It was slow, not really in rhythm with the music. They were pressed too tightly together for any real moves, so they settled for swaying side to side, Rafael’s hands traveling up and down his back as Sonny’s kept a hold of his hips.

They kissed again, slow and deep, teasing each other and laughing into each other’s mouths. Rafael was all Sonny could see; the fire went out, the lasagna turned cold, and the music grew louder, but Sonny could still hear the pounding of his own heart.

“I love you,” Sonny said again, tipping Rafael’s head back to look into his eyes again. “So, so much.”

Rafael smiled, big and bright. “I love you, too.”

And the world around them dissolved into nothingness, but neither noticed. They were too lost in what they felt to realize that the world they’d built, the steps taken together, the music - none of it was real. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all of your theories about what's going on with Sonny, I honestly love hearing your thoughts so much! And we're really close to hitting 100 kudos on this, so hit that little heart button if you haven't yet!
> 
> See you tomorrow for Mike doing a little matchmaking and another conversation between Sonny and Rafael MWAH


	7. The Waking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny and Mike continue investigating, but at the end of the day he meets Rafael in his office again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is one of my favorite chapters! I just love their heart to heart and Mike just being the best ever, the wisest boy.
> 
> Make sure to read the notes at the end too when you're done, I'm having THOUGHTS! Enjoy <3

Sonny couldn’t stop thinking about Rafael. He was sitting in the breakroom, his lunch in front of him, staring a hole into the table as he played memories in his mind. 

Some things had been easier to wrap his head around than others; he could see how Barba would have a softer side that he kept hidden from everyone at work. He’d seen a hint of that himself before, when Noah was kidnapped and Olivia needed a friend and not an ADA, and back when Sonny thanked him for helping him with his bar exam and Barba had looked so coy as he praised him.

He could guess some of Barba’s favorite foods by simply  _ observing  _ him; how he was always snacking and how he often preferred sweet over savory treats, but never shied away from rich and imaginative flavors. 

It was the  _ intimate  _ details that hit Sonny in the stomach and left him breathless. He knew the way Rafael moved under him, the sounds he made. He knew how Rafael tasted  _ everywhere  _ on his body and the reactions Sonny’s lips pulled out of him. Sonny knew just what buttons to push to make Rafael arch, gasping and groaning. 

And there were personal details Sonny wished he could forget. He remembered late night conversations, Rafael’s eyes sad and his bottom lip trembling lightly as he talked about his rough childhood. He told Sonny about his father’s cruelty, and how his friends Eddie and Alex had saved his life only to stab him in the back and dispose of him.

Sonny remembered brushing away the tears that fell at Rafael’s concerns about his grandmother, and he had held Rafael’s hand all the way to the hospital. Sonny had also been there to see the tears of  _ joy _ when Catalina went back home, healthy again.

Sonny knew just how much Rafael’s  _ abuelita  _ meant to him, but he shouldn’t know. It wasn’t  _ right  _ for him to know, even if somehow, somewhere, there was a version of Rafael who deemed him worthy of sharing his life with. 

And so it was both guilt and wonder that followed Sonny’s every waking moment, as more and more was revealed to him and he found himself falling harder and harder for the man he’d gotten to know. And he missed Barba, the real Barba, even though he probably shouldn’t.

“Hey,” Mike pulled him back into their real dimension as he walked into the breakroom and closed the door. “You got a minute?”

Sonny gestured to his half-eaten tupperware of pasta bolognese. “Yeah, what’s up?”

“That address you asked me to check,” he started, frowning. “It used to be a coffee shop, but it closed when the two-story Starbucks opened just next door. The lot has been vacant since.” 

Sonny sat upright. “What do you mean? I was there last Friday. It’s a bookshop.”

Mike shook his head. “As far as the realtor and the owner are concerned, it’s an empty space. They last checked it two weeks ago, they’re thinking of selling the place to Starbucks so they can expand their shop.”

Sonny’s mind started whirling. The bookshop was weird, he knew that much. It looked misplaced, and he’d never seen any other clients around, but the shelves were always full, and books weren’t exactly the easiest thing to move around in bulk. Especially by one single person. 

And how could it be so  _ targeted _ ? Just  _ what _ exactly did Leti really know about dreams?

“You think you can send a couple uniforms down there?,” Sonny asked in a whisper. “Keep an eye on it for a day or two.” 

Mike’s eyes immediately narrowed and he sat down next to Sonny, keeping his voice down. “You think the girl might have something to do with what’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” he ran a frustrated hand across his face. “I just think that there might be something fishy there. The problem is just  _ how  _ fishy.”

“I’ll ask the two new recruits to station there for a couple days,” Mike nodded. “We should probably get a feel of her routine before we try to go any further. Don’t want her to get spooked and move shop.”

Sonny nodded along to what Mike was saying, but his head was still going a thousand miles a minute. He had never considered that whatever was happening to him might be the work of somebody else’s intervention. He’d read plenty about dreams since everything started, and he knew there were experiments and memories implants being tested in the field. 

On Friday, Sonny had visited Columbia University and talked to two professors. They’d shown him some of the tests they were doing, which consisted of altering a person’s perspective of what had happened during a particular event to try and trigger nightmares.

He had no idea how or why he would ever find himself as a subject of an experiment like that, and without his consent, no less, but once he ruled out everything else, there wasn’t much left to believe in. 

“You okay?,” Mike asked, hand on Sonny’s shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah,” he swallowed thickly. “I just really want to find out what’s happened to me, Mike.”

“We will,” he said, confident. “But until then… How are things with Barba?”

Sonny looked away, suddenly very interested in his food. “What do you mean?”

Mike snorted. “Well, you told me you had detailed memories of the two of you being happily married. I thought you’d want to see what that’s about.” 

“He’s all I think about,” he ducked his head so Mike wouldn’t see the way his cheeks immediately turned pink. ”I kinda can’t help it.”

“Do you mean the Barba in your memories or the real one?”

“Both. Because the memories are  _ so nice _ , but then it makes me think of the real Barba and how he has no idea what’s going on. It’s not fair on him, you know.”

“It’s not fair on you either, Sonny,” Mike said, always sympathetic. ”But maybe you could meet him halfway. Just because you might have all these dreams of an alternate life doesn’t mean that  _ this life  _ can’t look like that.” 

Sonny considered Mike’s words for a moment, twirling his fork through his pasta. He could go see Barba, try to strike up a conversation that wasn’t about work, invite him for a couple drinks, maybe dinner. 

“Yeah, I guess you have a point,” he started with a tentative smile. ”Maybe I could go see him later.” 

“That’s what I’m talking about,” Mike slapped the table excitedly and Sonny’s tupperware jumped. ”Who knows, maybe these memories actually mean something, right? Maybe they happened in another lifetime.” 

“Maybe I’m a time-traveller,” Sonny joked.

He shrugged. “Or maybe you’re a seer and you can predict the future.” 

Sonny laughed, shaking his head amusedly. “This is insane.” 

“It is,” Mike snickered. ”But it can be something really good, too.”

* * *

Sonny got to Rafael’s office later than he had planned. Carmen was no longer behind her desk, but her side lamp was still on and it cast a soft and warm light on the wall. Rafael’s door was slightly ajar, and Sonny could peak inside just enough to see the ADA hard at work.

His heart grew twice its size and he was instantly filled with such  _ fondness  _ for the other man he couldn’t hold himself back. Sonny crossed over to the door and knocked lightly as to not to startle Rafael.

The ADA looked up, surprised, then checked his watch with a grimace. 

“Come in,” he called, pushing away from his desk for a moment and loosening his tie.

Sonny opened the door just enough to slip inside then closed it with his foot. 

“Detective,” he said, still surprised but clearly amused. “It’s late even for you.”

Sonny shrugged, approaching his desk with the offering he’d brought in clear view. “Something told me you’d still be here.”

“I think Olivia would hate to be called a  _ something _ ,” Rafael teased, but his eyes were tracing the box in Sonny’s hand. He could probably read the label even in the low light.

“Nah, unlike you, the Cap went home ages ago,” Sonny set the box in front of Rafael and sat down. “Besides, I thought you might like a snack break if you’re planning on pulling an all-nighter.”

“I wasn’t, I just got distracted,” he waved one hand while the other pulled the lid open. “But I’ll allow your interruption depending on what you’ve got here.”

Sonny felt almost giddy at the hum of appreciation that followed as Rafael looked inside. “I know you can’t choose between red velvet and chocolate with peanut butter frosting, so I got you both,” he said, too pleased with himself to notice his slip.

Barba’s sharp eyes immediately returned to Sonny. “How could you possibly know that?”

“Uh,” he blinked. “Carmen mentioned it a while ago.”

He thought that was an okay excuse, but Barba’s eyes narrowed for a second before he chose to accept that answer.

“Okay, so why are you trying to get in my good graces?,” he asked, picking both cupcakes out of the box and setting them in front of him. Sonny could see, from the way his eyes kept moving from one to the other, that he wasn’t sure which one to eat first. 

Sonny could have melted into the ground.

He tutted. “Can anybody do anything without you thinking there’s an ulterior motive?”

Barba chuckled, full of humor as he finally decided to start with the red velvet cupcake. “They can, but they don’t.” 

“Well, I do,” Sonny challenged. “I just wanted to make sure you ate and went home at a reasonable hour. The trial’s tomorrow and it’d do us no good if you got ill, you know.”

Barba was too focused on inhaling his cupcake to give Sonny his full attention, which was stupidly endearing, but he seemed to take Sonny’s word for it. 

“I should have expected this,” he said as he set the empty cupcake case back into the box a moment later. Barba licked his fingers, and Sonny bit into his cheek. “But you’ve already thanked me, Detective.”

Sonny smiled softly. “You take care of me, I take care of you, Counselor.”

“Right,” Barba nodded. “Because we’re friends.” 

He shrugged. “Friend _ ly _ .” 

Barba laughed, open and bright, and  _ this  _ felt like déjà vu, in a way. He’d seen this scene so many times before, it was remarkably familiar. The soft light, the quiet room, the comfortable atmosphere. Sonny’s fingers twitched in his lap, eager to tip Rafael’s head back and kiss him. 

“I’ve always enjoyed how fast you are, Carisi,” Barba smiled. “Can I offer you a drink?”

Sonny straightened up in his seat. “Yeah, that’d be good.” 

Barba got up from his chair and went to his bar cart, serving himself and Sonny two fingers of neat Scotch each. It wasn’t Sonny’s preferred drink, not even close, but he’d take it as an opportunity to stick around for a while longer. He’d take it as an indication that Barba maybe wanted him to stay, too.

When he sat back down, Rafael looked between the chocolate with peanut butter frosting cupcake and Sonny. “Do you want half of this?” 

“No, thanks. I had one back at the store,” he lied. And what was a small, white lie when faced with Rafael's obvious delight at licking some of the frosting before biting into it.

Sonny cleared his throat, taking a sip of his drink. It burned on the way down, but he expected as much and barely flinched. “Well, then since we’re such good friends all of the sudden…”

Rafael made a noise that sounded like a mocking laugh, but his mouth was too full to interrupt him, so Sonny just threw him an exasperated look and kept talking.

“I have a question,” Sonny said. “And try not to be an ass for two minutes. Do you believe in alternate realities?”

Both of Rafael’s eyebrows went up, and he swallowed quickly before replying. “That drink already got to you that much?”

Sonny rolled his eyes. “I said two minutes, not two seconds.” 

Rafael checked his watch with a smirk. “Okay, starting… now. I don’t often entertain thoughts of  _ what if _ , but I would like to think that somehow, somewhere, there’s a version of myself with a less taxing job, with nice hobbies, maybe a personal life.” 

“Wow, very ambitious, Counselor,” he teased.

“Well, if we’re considering the impossible why not go all the way?,” Rafael chuckled then took a sip of his drink, looking contemplative. “And what about you? I know you’re imaginative, so I’m sure you’ve come up with a few interesting scenarios.”

Sonny laughed out loud. “You can say that again,” he snickered. “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that a lot, but today Mike said something that kinda got to me.”

Rafael pulled a face and checked his watch again. “You’re lucky you’ve still got a minute.”

“Thanks,” he huffed with a lopsided smile. “Mike said that it’s not just because something could be from an alternate reality that it can’t be part of  _ this _ reality, too.”

The ADA seemed to consider that for a moment. “I guess Sergeant Dodds may be onto something.”

“So why can’t you make your alternate life true for you, Counselor?,” Sonny asked, curious.

Barba smirked. “What, you want me to quit my job and go live in a farm?”

“Nothing that absurd,” Sonny snorted. “I meant the part about having a personal life. When was the last time you went on a date, for example?”

Sonny swallowed when something flashed across Barba’s eyes; for a second he wondered if maybe he’d crossed a line, but Barba didn’t seem to be uncomfortable with the question, he only looked resigned. 

“A while ago,” he sighed, then looked away from Sonny before checking his watch again. “But your time is up, so let’s drop the  _ I dreamed a dream  _ conversation.”

“Well, that was nice while it lasted,” Sonny winked at him, then took another sip of his drink, which he immediately regretted. “Jesus, Barba, how do you drink this?”

“You drink watered down yeast, Carisi, you think you can preach to me about my liquor?,” he huffed. “When you move into the DA’s office you’re gonna have to get used to it, that’s all the DA drinks.”

Sonny tilted his head with a soft smile. “‘When’?”

“You can take your time,” Rafael smiled back. “But we both know there’s no  _ alternate reality  _ when it comes to that.”

“From your mouth to God’s ears, Counselor,” he beamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason why I always like to finish my works before I start posting is because I often have more ideas while writing and editing, and I like the freedom of going back to the beginning to change things, add details, dialogue, etc. While reediting this before posting, I've had a few more ideas that I'd like to explore, and some of your questions and comments have further inspired me to add another chapter, maybe even two.
> 
> I had this fic done and finished, but when the muse strikes I'm not one to silence her! So we'll see how this is gonna end, but how does 12, maybe 13, chapters sound, eh?? LMAOOOOOO 
> 
> And look! We're SO CLOSE to 100 kudos!! Thank you so much, yall!! See you tomorrow with another dream MWAH


	8. The Sleeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny dreams of a warm beach, a tanned Rafael and a proposal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proposals can be really hard to write sometimes, and this one started more on the rough side then it kinda wrote itself? I didn't really have a plan for this, and rereading it I'm not sure why I struggled so much.
> 
> I hope you like it!

Sonny stepped out of the house and his feet immediately sank into warm, fluffy sand. It squeaked as he made his way towards Rafael, who was sitting in a folding chair by the water, book in one hand, icy drink in the other. 

Sonny only paused for a second to take in the view, but Rafael heard him approach and looked up. He smiled brightly, and Sonny couldn’t help it, he leaned down and kissed him, sighing inwardly. 

The ADA looked beautifully tanned, and Sonny’s hand traced down his bare chest in a gentle caress. Rafael grabbed his hand before it traveled too far down, and Sonny broke their kiss with a giggle.

“Smooth, Detective,” Rafael teased with a smirk. “But we’re in public.” 

Sonny cooed in a pitiful manner, then kissed him again, just because he could. It was surreal to think he got to do this. The sun on his face, the sand between his toes, and Rafael Barba kissing him back with fervor - it was perfect.

“You’re awfully distracting,” Rafael muttered against his lips, setting his forgotten book aside without marking the page he’d been reading. He took Sonny’s face between his hands and looked into his eyes with an intensity that made him shiver.

Sonny could hear the waves crashing in the background, he could hear children laughing and dogs barking, but as soon as he allowed himself to dive into Rafael’s stunning green eyes, it all vanished. The beach was gone, the people were gone; it was only Sonny and Rafael standing with each other.

“If you want, I can leave you with your book,” Sonny offered, but wrapped his arms around Rafael’s and pulled him in tightly.

“No,” he tutted, dipping the tip of his fingers in Sonny’s dimples when he smiled. “I’m fine right here.” 

“Yeah?,” Sonny’s smiled grew wider. “Me, too. Do you think we could stay here forever?”

“I’d love to,” Rafael sighed. “But I’m afraid we’d be missed elsewhere.” 

“Right,” Sonny nodded. “You’re a valuable and irreplaceable piece of the New York justice system engine.”

“Exactly,” he said cheekly.

“Well, I could just keep us here forever anyway,” Sonny’s hold on Rafael tightened. “I could lock the doors and throw our phones away and just never leave this place.” 

“You could,” Rafael agreed, moving his arms around Sonny’s neck. 

Sonny drew more kisses from his mouth, another one beginning as one ended. They barely broke away for breaths, taking in gulps of salty air as they separated enough to change angles so they fit better. Sonny wanted to live here, he wanted to stay like that, and his heart ached with the intensity of his own feelings for the other man.

“I’ve been thinking,” Sonny all but gasped between them, swallowing lungfuls of air. “We’re doing pretty well together, aren’t we?”

Rafael smiled softly. “I like to think so, especially after two years.” 

“Yeah,” he chuckled, pressing a kiss to Rafael’s forehead. “I like waking up with you every morning.”

“You like me hogging the shower and using all the hot water?”

“I do. I like jumping into the shower with you, too,” Sonny teased, and Rafael hummed his agreement.

Rafael initiated their next round of kisses, one of his hands sinking into Sonny’s product-free hair and massaging his scalp. Rafael sucked Sonny’s tongue into his mouth, teasing and prodding at it until Sonny took over with a possessive growl. 

“You’ll kill me, Raf,” Sonny said as Rafael pulled away to smile at him wickedly. 

Rafael shook his head. “You’re still young, you’ve got a lot of life to live still.”

“Hopefully,” he said. “But only if I get to live it with you. And that’s what I was trying to say, if you’d quit interrupting me.”

“Not yet, I don’t think,” he replied with a filthy smirk before tightening his hold on Sonny’s hair and immediately licking into his mouth. 

Sonny moaned so loudly it vibrated through him to Rafael, and the ADA couldn’t help his laugh. The kiss had barely started when they parted to share amused looks.

“You’re a menace,” Sonny tutted. “I’m trying to say something here.”

“All I’ve heard so far is that you like to shower with me,” he joked. “What else?”

“I like doing everything with you,” Sonny said urgently. “But more than that, I  _ want  _ to do everything with you. I want to spend the rest of my days with you.”

Rafael seemed to catch up then, and he immediately turned awedly serious. “Sonny, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I want to marry you,” Sonny said, and he felt like the floor gave away beneath his feet the moment he said those words. “I’d be so honored to be your husband.”

Rafael’s eyes were wide. “Ask me.”

Sonny couldn’t help the way his face immediately broke into a huge smile. “Rafael Barba,” he started, pressing a quick kiss to his lips at every pause. “I would be the luckiest man on the planet if you’d give me the honor of marrying you,” he pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose. “So, will you marry me?”

“Yes,” Rafael said immediately. “I’ll marry you, you gorgeous, crazy man.” 

He threw his head back and yelled, as loud as he could, “We’re getting married!”

Rafael laughed in his arms, shaking his head fondly at him as the world started spinning again. “We are getting married,” he said.

Sonny pulled him into another kiss, and he could swear this one tasted different.

Sonny didn’t mind it when the beach dissolved into nothingness and the people went away in puffs of dark shadows. He didn’t notice when they fell into a black void of empty space. Sonny didn’t know that the furthest from reality they got, the more fragmented the dreams would become.

And neither wanted to know, because as they fell into the black sky they fell even more into each other. In that world, nothing else mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOOD NEWS (I hope?) I've finished writing chapter 12 and am well into chapter 13! I'm really glad this came so easily because I didn't want to leave you guys hanging for the conclusion of this story.
> 
> We'll proceed normally, going until chapter 13! MWAH thank you so much for encouraging me so much, I appreciate you all so much <3 Also let me tell you that tomorrow's chapter starts to unravel A LOT of stuff phew


	9. The Experiment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny and Rafael set up for dinner, and some of the truth about Sonny's dreams are revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO MUCH for 100 kudos! That is truly so nice to see because I wasn't sure how you guys would take this story, with the dreams things and alternating chapters. I'm happy at all of your feedback, it means a lot to me.
> 
> Things start to change after this one. Enjoy!

Sonny looked up from his work as he heard assertive, loud steps approach him. He recognized who it was without even checking, but it didn’t stop him from looking surprised when Barba set a cup of coffee on his desk. He looked pretty satisfied with himself, too.

“Detective,” he greeted.

“Counselor,” Sonny looked between the ADA and the cup. “You brought me coffee?”

“It would appear so.”

Sonny chuckled. “What can I do for you?”

The corner of Barba’s mouth tilted up amusedly. “Can anybody do anything without there being an ulterior motive?

“They can,” he started, leaning back into his seat to offer the ADA a long look. “But  _ you _ don’t.”

Barba tutted, jutting his chin up in the air. The way he shifted in place told Sonny everything he needed to know. One of the things that came with having all this information about Barba up in his brain was being able to read most of his tells.

“So you do need my help with something,” Sonny said with a grin, taking the coffee cup happily. “I’m all ears, Barba.”

The other man sighed, dramatic and long. “Both Buchanan and Calhoun decided to be assholes and delivered three motions to my office. Each.”

Sonny winced. “Ouch.”

“Quite,” he rolled his eyes, but not at Sonny. “I was going to ask a couple interns to help me sort some precedents to get them thrown out, but I can’t be bothered to have to teach them how to do everything.” 

“If only you had a certified but not practicing lawyer friend,” he said, cheeky. 

Barba huffed. “If only.”

They stared at each other intensely for a couple minutes. Sonny was holding back a laugh and he knew Barba was holding back an outburst of his own, they were professionals, after all, but he could see the way Barba’s eyes sparkled in amusement under the precinct lights. 

Sonny caught himself thinking about just how  _ pretty  _ his eyes were.

“I’m waiting,” Sonny eventually said.

Barba raised an eyebrow. “For what?”

“For you to ask for my help.” 

Barba tapped his fingers rhythmically on his desk, looking at Sonny with slightly narrowed eyes before he caved him. 

“Fine,” he tutted. “Since you’re vastly more competent and slightly less irritating than my office’s interns, could you please come over tomorrow after your shift and help me with precedents?”

Sonny knew he looked smug as hell at the nice  _ please _ Barba threw in there. “Hm, I think that was almost a compliment. And yes, I could,” he smirked. “Under one condition.”

When Barba rolled his eyes this time it was definitely at Sonny. “I knew you were going to make this harder than it needed to be.”

“Yeah, it’s me who makes your life harder, Barba,” he looked at the ADA pointedly. “My condition is that we have dinner before working.”

“I suppose I owe you that much,” Barba said. “I can order us something.”

“No, no,” Sonny shook his head. “We’re having dinner  _ before _ , in an actual restaurant, actually being waited on and eating out of porcelain plates, not sticky cardboard containers.”

If the ADA was in any way surprised by Sonny’s suggestion he didn’t show it. In fact, he looked rather pleased at the invitation. 

“You’re paying for that,” Barba teased.

“Like hell I am,” Sonny chuckled. “I’m already doing you a favor.”

“Alright,” he rolled his eyes again, raising a placating hand. “You’re getting better at deals, Carisi. There might be hope for you still.”

“I used to have a pretty good mentor,” Sonny threw back at him, and it was definitely flirty. Sonny’s cheeks heated slightly.

“Used to?”

“Yeah. We’ve moved past the mentor/mentee relationship,” he tilted his head and gave Barba a side smile. 

“Ah. Yes,” Barba nodded slowly. “ _ Friends _ .” 

“Friends who are going to dinner tomorrow,” Sonny said with an inflection to his voice that opened the door for something other than it being a work dinner. 

Barba did look surprised this time, but he didn’t hesitate when he pulled out his phone. “I’ll make reservations, then.”

Sonny’s small smile turned into a bright beam. “Good.”

He felt like his whole body was about to buzz off the face of the Earth as Barba said his goodbyes and walked away with the most  _ swaggy  _ walk Sonny had ever seen. Barba didn’t look back, fully focused on his phone call, but Sonny watched him go with just as much focus. If not more.

When Sonny blinked back into space, he saw that Mike had been watching their entire exchange from his desk. His face turned from curious to a smirk so goddamn  _ knowing _ that Sonny actually groaned out loud.

“Nice,” Mike hissed under his breath. “A date, uh?” 

The heat on Sonny’s face went down to his neck in an instant. “I’m just doing him a favor.”

“Yeah, I heard,” Mike snorted. “After he pays for dinner. Smooth, Romeo.”

Sonny raised a hand at him. “I’m just gonna go back to work.”

Mike shook his head at Sonny and stood up, approaching his desk in sure steps. “Before you do that, we should talk.” 

Sonny perked up in full attention. Mike leaned in and kept his voice down as he spoke.

“I got the day’s report from the uniforms stationed outside the bookshop,” he started. “And they got nothing.”

Sonny frowned. “That’s good, right? Means she’s clean.”

“No, I mean they got  _ nothing _ . No suspicious movement, no other clients, no deliveries, no lunch breaks. She came in at 9am, left at 5pm, and that was it. Nothing else.”

“So now what?,” Sonny sagged back into his seat. 

Mike sighed, looking as frustrated as Sonny felt. “It’s been two whole days, I can’t keep the unis stationed there much longer. They don’t even know what to look for.”

“Well, neither do I,” he ran a hand over his face. “I should just talk to her.”

“Okay, but I’m going with you.”

“No way Mike, you’ll spook her.”

“I’ll wait outside,” Mike conceded. “But we don’t know what’s going on, you’re not going in without backup.” 

“Alright,” Sonny picked up a pen and his notepad. “How are we doing this, then?”

* * *

The bookshop looked exactly the same as the first time Sonny had walked in. It was weirdly quiet, narrow, and neat. It still smelled like printed paper sheets and cinnamon, and Leti was, once again, sitting behind the counter in a summer dress. Today’s was bright blue, and her hair was up in a bun on the top of her head, random strands falling out carelessly.

“Welcome back,” she greeted with a small smile. “What’re you looking for today?”

“I still haven’t gotten through all the books I got last time, but I had some questions.”

Sonny and Mike had decided not to drag things out; instead, Sonny was going straight in trying to get Leti’s backstory and what she could possibly be doing setting up a bookstore on a lot that was supposed to be vacant. Mike had wanted to play the blame game, but Sonny preferred to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Mike was standing on the other side of the street with two other officers, looking straight into the shop. At the first sign of trouble, Sonny knew he’d come in. 

It was just Sonny and Leti here, and he didn’t see her as a threat, but he wanted information and so the last thing he needed was for things to get out of hand. 

“Last time you didn’t want me to ask you anything,” she crossed her arms over her chest. “And now you want to ask  _ me  _ questions.”

“Fair enough,” Sonny shrugged. “How about I make some questions and then you can ask me whatever you wanted to ask last week?”

Leti shook her head. “I go first.”

Sonny felt uneasy all of the sudden. “Questions about Barba are off limits.”

“Fine,” she tutted. “Have you had any headaches, dizziness or queasiness ever since you had the dreams?”

“No,” Sonny frowned. “I just woke up and they were there, but everything else was as normal.”

“Do you remember having dreams similar to this before?”

“Not really, I never remember my dreams.” 

“You must remember  _ something _ ,” Leti said, a little impatient. “Were there bad dreams? Sex dreams?”

Sonny blinked rapidly. “That’s a bit personal, don’t you think?”

Leti chuckled humorlessly. “Yes, because I’m sure whatever you want to ask me isn’t personal at all.”

“Touché,” he pulled his notepad out of his jacket pocket. “So why don’t we get to that, then? How did you come to… acquire this shop?”

“I still have more questions,” Leti said curtly. “You haven’t answered anything.” 

“Why are you so interested in my dreams?,” Sonny shot back, frustrated. “Why do you keep calling them  _ dreams _ , in the first place? I’ve said they feel more like memories because I don’t  _ remember _ any of my dreams. How are you so sure they’re dreams?”

“They are dreams,” Leti deadpanned.

Sonny scowled. “How do you know?”

“I know because I put them there.”

“What? How?,” he took a step back, shocked. 

“I’ll answer your questions when you answer mine, Detective.”

Sonny saw something from the corner of his eyes and immediately turned. It was a weird little shimmer, a foggy texture near one of the bookshelves. Sonny approached it quickly, reaching for the seemingly sturdy wood, only for his fingers to slip right  _ through  _ it.

“What,” he stumbled back again, eyes wide. 

He reached for the bookshelf next to it, and the same thing happened. Then the next, and the ones upfront. All of it vanished right in front of his eyes then, and suddenly the shop was empty. 

Sonny whipped around, searching for Leti. She was still sitting behind the counter and, as Sonny stared, it disappeared as well. Was all of this a dream?

“No,” Leti said as if she was reading his mind. Maybe he’d said it out loud, he couldn’t be sure. He wasn’t sure of  _ anything _ . “This is real. But your  _ memories _ , as you call them, are dreams.”

“But I don’t remember my dreams,” was Sonny’s automatic reply, but he almost didn’t recognize his own voice. 

Leti smiled. “Apparently not, so you made the dreams into memories, or something similar. You turned your  _ unconscious  _ thoughts into reality. That’s quite fascinating, I’ve never seen that before.” 

“What are you talking about? What did you do?,” he was almost yelling. “Why would you do this? It’s not right to play with people like that.”

“Well, let me just start by saying that I can’t  _ fabricate _ thoughts. I need a thread to pull,” Leti tilted her head. “So if that turned into you being in a happy relationship with your coworker, that string of thought already existed in there.”

“Fine, okay,” Sonny said frustratingly. “I’ve always admired him, everybody knows that, but I have never thought about  _ marrying  _ him.”

“But you did,” Leti said, serious and sure. “Maybe not consciously or while awake, but you did.”

“But I know things about him that I shouldn’t know. Personal details, stories that he never actually told me, but that are true.”

Leti pulled a face. “Yeah, that’s on me. I threw some information into the mix, it’s important for believability. But as I said, I didn’t fabricate anything.”

Sonny felt his anger flaring. He couldn’t help it, not with the way she kept talking like it wasn’t a big deal. Sonny had felt tormented for weeks, and there Leti stood, unbothered.

“I thought it was all real,” he said dangerously. “I thought he-- I thought we were really together.” 

“And there’s nothing wrong with that, Sonny,” she said calmly. “Our thoughts and dreams are harmless.”

Sonny barked a crazed laugh. “ _ No _ , they’re not.”

“Alright, fair enough,” she shrugged. “Maybe they’re not harmless to  _ you _ , but you weren’t supposed to turn them into  _ memories _ either.”

“Oh, so it’s my fault?,” Sonny asked in an offended tone. He started pacing around the empty space, unable to stand still as a whole world seemed to open up right in front of him. 

Leti made a face that told him that yes, maybe it was, and it only served to further irritate him. “When people wake up from the dreams I feed them, they shake themselves off and say ‘oh, that was weird’, then go about their day. You, Sonny Carisi, are very special.”

“How fucking lucky I am,” he mumbled under his breath, running a hand over his face. 

“I’d say you are very lucky to have a mind as open as yours, but more than that,” she inhaled deeply. “You’re  _ fascinating _ .”

“Enough of that,” Sonny snapped. “Who even are you, really?”

“I’m Leti,” she said simply, unbothered.

“ _ What _ are you?,” he asked through gritted-teeth.

Leti smiled peacefully at him, then raised a hand in a closed fist. “Something you wouldn’t  _ believe _ ,” she said.

When she opened her hand, a bright beam of yellow light almost blinded Sonny. Then, slowly, it diminished to show one single, tiny firefly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, that's a little bit of explanation about what's going on up in Sonny's head, but there's still more to come int he next chapters. Make sure to play attention even to the dreams, there are details there that add to the overall explanation.
> 
> Tomorrow is a really cute dream one, with a barisi wedding and all! MWAH see you then!


	10. The Results

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny dreams of their wedding, but something isn't right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of my favorite chapters to write! I hope you enjoy it as well

The room was sparkling golden, and Sonny looked around with a smile on his face. It was the end of the night, all guests gone, but the room still had that buzzing feeling about it. 

Music was still playing, and Sonny made a mental note to tip the DJ a little extra for that. Now if only he could find his favorite dance partner…

He caught sight of Rafael by their wedding cake, a slice in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other. Sonny couldn’t help but laugh at just how  _ Rafael _ he looked, standing there in his gorgeous tux with a snack. 

Rafael saw him then, and raised his glass of champagne at him with a smile.

“To Mr. Barba-Carisi,” he said, then took a long sip. 

Sonny’s smile grew even bigger. “Care for one last dance, Mr. Barba-Carisi?”

He watched as Rafael took a couple more bites of the cake and threw back his drink before making his way to him. Sonny was mesmerized by the way he moved, the confidence in his steps and the swag of his hips. 

Rafael Barba looked the way music sounded, and it was a mind-numbingly enticing sight. 

Sonny took Rafael’s hand in his and pulled him closer, immediately wrapping him in an embrace. They fell into the right steps easily, mirroring each other the way they’d been doing for so many years. 

The lights went lower, and fireflies started lifting from the flowers sprinkled around the room. They blinked lazily around them, doing a dance of their own as Sonny and Rafael got lost in another world.

Their foreheads pressed together as they moved as one, eyes closed. The hand Rafael had set on Sonny’s shoulder moved to the back of his neck, and there it stayed, caressing him. 

“Did you have a good night?,” Sonny asked, whispering between them despite there being nobody else in the room.

Rafael smiled softly, rubbing their noses together. “It was the best night of my life,” he whispered back, eyes still closed. “You looked so beautiful up there, waiting for me.” 

“You kidding me, Raf?,” he chuckled. “You’re so stunning I started crying the second I saw you.”

“Well, it wasn’t the first time that happened,” Rafael teased, then pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “Everything was perfect, Sonny. You are perfect.”

Sonny kissed him again, just a nice, firm press of lips. 

Tomorrow they’d catch a flight to Europe, and Sonny would have to share Rafael’s attention with the beautiful sights they’d see and other people they’d meet, but tonight was only them. It was just Rafael, his husband, in his arms. 

He opened his eyes to look at Rafael, and his eyes reflected the fireflies blinking around them. It looked beautiful, and Sonny was in awe of him. He looked ethereal, surreal. 

“This has got to be a dream,” Sonny whispered. 

Rafael smiled. “Then don’t you dare wake up, Mr. Barba-Carisi.” 

Sonny felt the ground turning liquid, and he looked up to see the sun beaming over them. It was hot, but the water was cold as it moved them with the tide. Rafael was still in his arms, and he looked much tanner than Sonny remembered. 

“You know, when you suggested we take a swim, I didn’t think it would be this  _ cold _ ,” Rafael said through gritted-teeth, hanging from Sonny’s neck to try and steal some warmth. 

Sonny laughed. “Ah Raf, come on,” he pressed a kiss to his cheek. “We’re in England, did you really think the water would be warm?”

“No, but I didn’t think it’d be  _ this cold _ , either,” he glared at Sonny.

“Come here,” Sonny pulled him by the waist. “Wrap your legs around me.” 

“How come you’re not cold?,” Rafael grunted, but wrapped both his legs and his arms around his husband. 

“My husband’s pretty hot, so it balances out,” he joked, wrapping his own arms around Rafael as well. He cooed once Rafael laid his head on his shoulder. “My koala baby.” 

Rafael tutted. “Shut up,” he said, then hugged Sonny tighter. “This was a horrible idea.”

“We can get out if your want,” Sonny suggested, nuzzling into Rafael’s wet hair. 

Rafael grunted again. “I’m fine. For now.” 

They stayed quiet for a moment, letting the tide push and pull them around. Sonny kept pressing kisses along Rafael’s hairline. 

“You gonna fall asleep on me, Raf?,” he asked with a smile. 

“You’re so warm,” Rafael whined. 

“It’s okay,” Sonny tightened his hold on him. “I’ll take us back to the beach.” 

“I love you,” he said against Sonny’s skin. 

“I love you, too, Raf.” 

Sonny closed his eyes and breathed him in, soaking in the smell of Rafael’s shampoo mixed with salty water, but when he opened his eyes again it was to see their bedroom, back in New York. 

He frowned slightly, confused and uncertain, but then Rafael shifted in his hold and raised a hand to touch his cheek. That was enough to distract Sonny, who smiled down at the beautiful, sleep-mussed face of his gorgeous husband. 

“You promised we could sleep in,” Rafael said. “Go back to sleep, love.” 

“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Sonny said apologetically. “Close your eyes.”

“I like looking at you,” he said, but Sonny saw that his eyelids were heavy as he blinked. “You’re pretty.”

Sonny smiled. “I’ll still be pretty in a couple hours. Go back to sleep, Raf.” 

“Pretty boy,” Rafael said, eyes closing. “Love you.” 

“I love you so much, Rafael,” Sonny replied, and fear gripped at him as he looked around the room.

Something wasn’t right, Sonny was sure. Something was happening, and he had no idea what. 

He looked down at Rafael again, his arms holding on tightly to him. He pressed a light kiss to his forehead and breathed him in one more time.

Somehow, Sonny knew that when he woke up again things would be different. He didn’t know what would change or how, but he knew it would. 

Before letting sleep claim him, Sonny looked up at the ceiling and prayed to the God he believed in. He prayed so that, whatever happened, good or bad, wouldn’t take Rafael from him.

Sonny could handle anything else, as long as he opened his eyes to see Rafael here, beside him, around him. His. 

“Please,” Sonny whispered, snuggled closer to his husband, and fell asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm almost done with chapter 13, which means that chapter 11 is no longer the last one! I hope I can get 13 done this weekened so I don't leave yall waiting.
> 
> Meanwhile, tell me: what was your favorite scene this week? Please distract me from my abundance of Uni work, I beg !!! ))):
> 
> Have a nice weekend! MWAH


	11. The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny tries to work through everything Leti told him, even as he figures out his own feelings for Rafael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for making this my third most commented story! Out of 80, that’s quite a feat! I love to hear your thoughts and everything you guys have to say inspire me to continue writing. 
> 
> So much so that I decided to add two new chapters to this, uh? *wink* Enjoy!

Sonny almost cancelled his supposed date with Barba. After almost an hour talking to Leti, Sonny called Mike and told him he could go back to the precinct and he’d explain things later. He wasn’t sure how he was going to make sense of any of what she told him, but Mike trusted him enough to accept it at face-value and go.

Apparently, Leti was one of the Gods Sonny had read about. She didn’t go as far as to spell that out for him, but the things she said, the powers she had, what she could do -- she was the closest thing to the God he prayed to he could ever imagine coming across in his lifetime. 

“I’m just helping humans along,” Leti had said, twirling a strand of dark hair around her finger. “All these people who suddenly find courage to do things they’ve wanted to do for years, people who have these million dollar ideas, who say ‘it came to me in a dream’,” she shrugged. “That’s what I do.”

She explained that she couldn’t control dreams, but that she could pull wishes from people’s unconscious and transform them into dreams so vivid it  _ motivated  _ them into doing something about it. Leti said  _ motivated _ , but Sonny heard  _ manipulated _ .

“I’m not sure how it went wrong with you,” she had said with a sharp look. Once again, she sounded  _ fascinated  _ by him. “How did you turn those dreams into  _ memories _ ?”

Sonny certainly did not know how, but Leti explained that there was no reversing it. Once the dream was triggered and he managed to remember it, it was there; Sonny could try to train his brain to lock the memory away - he’d read about that when going through studies about how memories were made -, but it honestly felt impossible to ignore those thoughts when they just made him so...  _ happy _ .

“Well,” Leti stood up, offering him a warm smile - the first one that looked genuine. “You know what that means.”

“What?,” Sonny had breathed, feeling exhausted. 

“You can always replace the false memories with real ones,” with that, she started her goodbyes. “I think I might be back some day. This was honestly a great experience, Sonny,” Leti shook his hand in thanks, then vanished.

Sonny watched, mouth agape, as fireflies lifted off the walls and escaped through the gap underneath the door. He guessed Leti would need an inconspicuous form of travel if she were to sneak into people’s bedrooms, but a  _ firefly? _

To say that Sonny felt extremely overwhelmed was an understatement. Even after Leti and her many fireflies left, he had stayed in the shop for a long while. He sat on the floor, legs stretched out in front of him, and replayed the entire conversation over and over and over again. 

He wanted to go back home and look back at that thread he’d found about the gifted Gods to see how much of that added up to what had happened. So once Sonny managed to stand up again, his legs feeling a little unstable, he’d called Olivia and asked for the next day off.

His Captain was worried, that much he could tell. Sonny was the type to pull overtime and offer to take people’s shifts, not request days off every week. But he trusted that Mike would talk to her and, in due time, he’d sit with both of his commanding officers and explain. Or at least try to.

So for the first time in what felt like forever, Rafael was the last thing on Sonny’s mind when he woke up the next morning. He was still mulling over what Leti’s sole existence  _ meant  _ and he couldn’t help but wonder why she’d chosen to reveal herself and her powers to him. 

By midday, however, he remembered what she had said. ‘ _ You can always replace the false memories with real ones’ _ , and his thoughts went back to Rafael at full force. He found himself smiling, a warmth filling him up and chasing away his nerves and confusion at once.

In that moment, Sonny decided to stop denying the truth; the one that was real despite the supposed dreams and meddling Gods. Sonny had feelings for Rafael, and that much he could attest in broad daylight with his eyes wide open, now he just had to do something about it.

Sonny started by confirming their dinner reservations with the ADA and vowing to pick him up on time, then ran to the barber shop to get his hair trimmed and a close shave. Then, on his way back home, he stopped by a florist and chose one single red rose from their large selection of colorful buckets. 

He wanted to make his intentions known, but scaring Rafael with an armful of red roses would be counterproductive to his plans. No matter the lifelong relationship he’d created in his mind, in reality they were just beginning.

Later, when Sonny stood in Rafael’s office with a single flower in hand, he felt out of place, but the other man’s appreciation was clear on his face. He took the rose, smelled it, then set it carefully on top of his desk.

“I’ll get a vase for it later,” he said, teasing but satisfied. Sonny beamed at him. 

Off to a great start.

* * *

One date turned to two, and then their third dinner was hosted at Sonny’s apartment. Rafael stayed in the kitchen with him as he cooked, swaying to the rhythm of the music playing. He looked comfortable and content, especially when Sonny asked him to taste the sauce and offered him a platter full with cubes of cheese and olives.

“You know,” Rafael started when the music changed. “If I had known you were such a good cook, I’d have let you shadow me the first time you asked.”

Sonny laughed, shaking his head amusedly. “My nonna did say that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach.”

Rafael stopped swaying in place and looked at him, intense and calculating. “Is that so?” 

He swallowed hard, looking away nervously. 

Sonny stayed silent for a moment, his mind racing through the events of the night and pushing away the fake memories that tried to sip through, mudding his perception of what was really going on between them.

It was only their third date, Sonny reminded himself. They were still getting to know each other - or at least Rafael was getting to know him. He wasn’t sure how the ADA felt yet, he just knew he liked his company and that this had the potential to turn into something more.

Something  _ real _ .

“I can see you’re overthinking what you just said,” Rafael pointed out, but not unkindly. “I’m surprised. You always came across so unapologetically blunt.”

“Sorry,” he turned off the burner so he could give the other man his full attention. “I just wanted to make my intentions clearer but blew it.”

“You didn’t blow anything,” he shook his head. “You keep bringing me flowers and paying for dinner, I think your intentions are transparent.”

Sonny chuckled. “I’m glad I’ve managed to woo you.”

“I never said you did,” Rafael lifted a finger. “Not before you showed me your cooking skills.”

“But after?”

“Getting there,” he smirked. “But I’m here for the same reason you invited me, you know that, right?”

Sonny grabbed the finger that was still pointing at him and used it to pull him a little closer. Once Rafael took a step forward he took his whole hand in his, squeezing his fingers. 

“I invited you because I want this to go somewhere,” Sonny confessed. “I want us to be more than friends. Is that why you came?”

“More than friend _ ly _ ,” Rafael teased, then smiled so softly his whole face changed, looking fond and content. “Yeah,” he nodded. “That is why I came.” 

Rafael’s eyes dropped to Sonny’s lips once they were close enough to feel each other’s breaths, and Sonny’s heart immediately started pounding loudly in his chest. He wasn’t nervous, a part of him felt like this had happened before, but the anticipation was making his whole body tremble. 

“Can I kiss you?,” Sonny asked, sounding breathless.

“Please,” Rafael replied in a hiss and one of his hands wrapped around the back of Sonny’s neck.

Slowly, Sonny lifted his hand to touch his cheeks, caressing his cheekbones like the precious thing he was. His finger traveled down his jaw to his chin, and he delicately tilted Rafael’s head back. Their eyes met, and Sonny’s breath hitched.

Rafael noticed it, of course, and offered Sonny a small, intimate smile that made his stomach clench and his heart trip over itself. Rafael was in no rush, it seemed, and let Sonny take his time. Sonny leaned down slowly, touching the tips of their noses together, then rubbing them side to side.

The first brush of their lips was accidental, a miscalculated shift of his head, but it sent an electrifying jolt through Sonny’s body. It felt familiar, he recognized the softness of Rafael’s lips and their shared breaths, but when their lips did meet, Sonny felt like he’d just discovered something completely new.

He should have known those  _ memories  _ were dreams, and he was sure now that nothing like that had ever really happened, because it suddenly didn’t matter that he thought he had kissed Rafael numerous times,  _ nothing  _ compared to the real thing.

Rafael’s body was solid against his, and Sonny felt the little noise he made vibrate on his lips and shivered. Despite the urgency thrumming through Sonny’s body, the kiss started slow, tentative, but then became exploratory. Sonny was the one who opened his mouth first, he couldn’t help it, but Rafael met him in the middle with a confident touch of his tongue.

Sonny’s legs were feeling weak and he was glad Rafael had the presence of mind to push him back against the kitchen counter and prop him there. He would hate to break their kiss because he couldn’t sustain himself. 

Three songs started and ended and their lips were still locked together, tongues licking and teeth nipping, but sooner than they’d like the oven let out a shrill ring that made Rafael jump back, alarmed.

“Jesus,” he breathed, voiced rough and dry. 

Rafael looked back at him. “I agree.”

Sonny giggled, silly and happy. “Well, as I was saying, Counselor,” he started, hands still firmly holding Rafael by the hips. “My nonna used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so I hope you’re ready to fall head over heels in love with me after trying this lasagna.”

Rafael smiled, big and bright, his nose scrunching up with it. “Let’s see, then. I’m ready.”

The ADA stayed the night for the first time that night, and Sonny felt a dizzying wave of dissonance when he woke up the next morning to see Rafael curled up around him. Once again, the scene felt comfortable and familiar, but he pushed those memories away to make room for what was right there with him.

He catalogued the way Rafael’s skin felt against his, the way his breathing tickled his chest. He watched Rafael’s face, relaxed and serene as he slept, and smiled when the ADA sighed and tightened his hold on Sonny.

Sonny wanted the sight of Rafael in his bed to stay imprinted in his brain, to be burned behind his eyelids. He wanted to live in this moment, this  _ real  _ moment, forever. The dreams didn’t matter anymore, what he only  _ thought  _ had happened between them was no longer relevant.

What mattered was the way Rafael blinked his eyes open slowly, lifted his head up to look at him, then smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s crazy to think this was supposed to be the end! I deleted the “conclusion” bit of this chapter, of course, but there’s clearly a few loose knots. So I’m currently adding the last few details to chapter 13, If you have any other questions speak now or forever hold your peace! Hahah
> 
> Even though this isn’t the last of it, chapters 12 and 13 take part ONE YEAR after this. Keep that in mind. See you tomorrow!


	12. The Wishful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year later, Sonny has another dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, barisis! The last dream! I honestly think this one is my favorite, particularly because I found an excuse to write Trixie the dog again!
> 
> Enjoy!

Trixie started jumping around in circles the moment she saw Sonny pick up the hose and reach for the water faucet. Playing around in water and muddy puddles were her favorite pastimes, and Sonny had to let her try to bite into the water a couple times before he could go around her and pull the hose into the back garden.

“Come on, girl,” Sonny called when Trixie bit into the hose and pulled it towards herself. “We can play with Elena, come on. Go to Papi.”

Trixie barked and ran pass him towards Rafael, her tongue lolling out. It looked like she was smiling, and Sonny couldn’t help but chuckle. 

Rafael was sitting on the steps to their brownstone, Elena standing in front of him as he caked her in layers upon layers of sunscreen, factor 50, of course. She was in her little pink swimsuit, matching hat and the tiny yellow sunglasses that she loved so much.

“I think Trixie’s more excited than Elena,” Rafael said with a light laugh. 

“Isn’t she always?,” Sonny chuckled.

It was quite the challenge for Sonny to keep their Golden Retriever away from the kiddie pool enough for it to fill up. They knew that by the end of the day Trixie would be the one enjoying it the most anyway, laying down in it and causing most of the water to overflow, but Sonny would also like for his human daughter to enjoy it for the first hour at least.

Summer had not been kind to anyone, and Sonny had half a mind to go and buy sunscreen factor 100 for them just in case, but they had a nice shaded garden, a plastic pool, iced drinks and ice cream, so it’d do for now. 

“Okay, Papi?,” Elena asked, trying to push away from Rafael’s hands. 

“Not yet,” Rafael protested, adding another layer of sunscreen to her tiny nose. “You’ve got your father’s complexion,  _ mija _ , we can’t risk it.” 

Sonny chuckled, setting the hose on the grass as it filled up the pool under Trixie’s watchful eyes. “You say that like she doesn’t tan super fast like you.”

“Daddy, daddy,” Elena called, pulling a face as Rafael spread the sunscreen. “The pool!”

“I know,” Sonny approached them and kneeled next to Elena. “It’s almost full. Do you want to put some toys in there?”

“My ducky,” she gasped, pushing away from Rafael again. 

Rafael shook his head, amused. “Go on, then. Bring your ducky.” 

Elena ran into the house with a squeal, and Sonny kept an eye on her as she made a beeline for her toy box in the living room, just on the other side of the door. Suddenly, Rafael smeared a blob of sunscreen down his nose and startled him.

“Raf!,” he gasped, falling back on his ass on the grass.

Rafael laughed. “Sorry, love. You’re getting a little red on the cheeks.” 

“I thought that was how you liked me,” he teased.

“Only when it’s a natural flush,” Rafael reached for him when Sonny sat back up, working the sunscreen into his skin, around his nose and his cheeks. “Not when I know you’re going to whine about it later.”

Sonny pouted. “I don’t whine.” 

“You do,” he smiled. “But it’s okay, it’s part of your charm.”

“You think I’m charming, Raf?,” Sonny smiled back. 

“A little. Maybe that’s why I married you,” Rafael leaned in and pecked him on the lips. 

Elena came running back out and went straight into Sonny’s arms, squealing about her ducky and her plastic doll going into the pool with her. Sonny picked her up despite the stickiness of the sunscreen and went to check on the pool. 

Trixie was still watching it, laying down next to it like a guard. 

“Do you want me to get the hamburgers out?,” Rafael asked, standing up. 

“Yes, please,” Sonny called back. “I’ll set the grill in a moment. You hungry yet?”

Rafael considered it for a moment. “Peckish.”

Sonny laughed, both at his husband’s antics and Elena excitedly throwing her toys in the pool. 

“If you want a snack while you wait, I roasted cashews last night,” Sonny said and Rafael immediately looked interested. “They’re inside that yellow pot Elena made us.”

Sonny sat beside the pool once he let Elena go in. Rafael brought out the grill himself, along with two folding chairs and their small garden table so he could set down the hamburgers and the pot of cashews, along with drinks for everybody and treats for Trixie. 

Rafael sat down with the cashews in hand, turning his chair so he’d had a clear view of Elena as Sonny took over the grilling for their lunch. As he flipped hamburgers, Sonny couldn’t stop smiling. 

The water definitely wasn’t deep enough for Elena to drown, but Rafael barely took his eyes off of her, even as he ate. For someone who’d been so worried he’d turn out to be a negligent father like his own, Rafael was the textbook definition of a  _ superdad _ . Not that Sonny ever had any doubts about that.

Eventually Trixie managed to sneak her way into the pool beside Elena, and the grass got flooded and muddy, which the little girl soon found out and got out of the water to enjoy the puddles.

Sonny sat beside his husband with a plate for himself and Elena, the hamburger meat cut in tiny cubes for her to grab and run back to her puddle with Trixie, who only got out of the water for treats. 

Rafael leaned into Sonny’s arm then, watching their family contentedly. Sonny sat the plates aside and turned in his seat so he could wrap his arms around Rafael. His skin was warm and he smelled like sunscreen, so Sonny just had to tuck his face into Rafael’s neck to inhale his cologne.

“Thank you,” Sonny whispered into Rafael’s skin. “I love you and our family so much, Raf. Look how happy our daughter is.” 

Rafael smiled, relaxing into Sonny’s arms. “I know. I never thought--,” he let out a long breath. 

“Yeah,” Sonny tightened his hold on him. “But you’re so good with her and she loves you so much. The other day she asked me when Father’s Day was because she wanted to make you a special breakfast.”

Rafael laughed out loud, shaking his head. “That little girl, I swear. She asked me the same thing, because she wanted to make  _ you  _ breakfast.” 

Sonny laughed along with him. “What was her plan, then? We only have one kitchen.”

“I think she just wanted to have a special breakfast with the both of us,” he whispered. 

“We can do that,” Sonny offered, pressing a kiss to Rafael’s shoulder. “We can take turns or you can cook for me while I cook for you. Elena can help us both.” 

“We are both her fathers, it seems only fair.”

Sonny hummed in agreement. “How lucky we are.” 

“Daddy, Papi!,” Elena called and showed her dirty hands, full of mud. “Look!” 

Rafael grimaced slightly and Sonny laughed. “That’s great,  _ mija _ . Don’t touch your face, okay?”

“Okay!,” she replied, then immediately ran her dirty hands down her pink swimsuit.

“Oh my God,” Sonny laughed louder, body shaking with it as Rafael groaned, pained. 

“She’s a menace,” Rafael said, amused. “A Carisi through and through.” 

“Hey,” he protested halfheartedly. “She’s proudly a Barba-Carisi, the defiance is all you.”

“She’s going to be a lawyer, isn’t she?,” Rafael said with a dramatic sigh.

“She’s already got the argumentative skills down pat, for sure,” Sonny snickered, pecking Rafael on the cheek. “Wonder who she got that from.”

“I don’t know,” Rafael side-eyed him. “It’s not like both her parents are prosecutors.” 

Sonny smiled. “Right. I was the one who argued my way into getting the last Mars bar just last night.”

Rafael jutted his chin in the air. “What are you trying to say with that, Sonny?”

“I’m trying to say that I love you very much,” Sonny said, full of intent. “And our daughter is absolutely perfect.” 

“And don’t forget Trixie, your mini-me,” Rafael said, then laughed when Sonny spluttered. “I love you too, Mr. Barba-Carisi.”

Sonny twisted his body in a weird way just so he could kiss Rafael, hard and meaningfully. They settled back with their drinks once they parted, and watched Elena and Trixie play until the breeze turned a little cooler. 

Fireflies came out once the sun went down, and Trixie chased them around as Elena watched them with fascination, smile wide and curious expression on her face. All the while, Sonny could see himself and Rafael reflected in her wondering, beautiful, innocent green eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter only exists because of YOU, who commented and interacted with this story and made me want to write more. Same goes for the last one, where Sonny tells Rafael everything that happened. It was really needed, I realize that now that it's done.
> 
> So I'll see you tomorrow for the last chapter. I already miss this story, it was quite the crazy journey to figure this one out. Let me know how you're feeling about the end, cuz I for one am EMOTIONAL [sobs]


	13. The Fulfilling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny tells Rafael about the dreams and they make plans for the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of you asked me about Rafael's reaction to finding out about the dreams, and at first I had no intention to add that to this story (I thought I'd maybe add another part some other time), but then I got to thinking and decided that it'd be much more sense for this story to end with Sonny telling him everything and getting closure. So thank you for helping me with that!
> 
> Enjoy!

Sonny opened his eyes and blinked up at the ceiling, turning to see Rafael beside him. It was with a sinking feeling that he realized there was no Elena nor Trixie, it was just him and Rafael, newly moved in together. Their apartment was no brownstone, no family home, it was simply a functional space close enough to work. 

As the memory, or better yet, the  _ dream _ , fizzled out in his brain, Rafael curled closer to his boyfriend and tried to recenter himself into the reality he knew. This time, he’d been able to identify the dream much faster, even though it’d been almost a year since they’d stopped coming.

For a moment he wondered why Leti decided to suddenly play these games with him again, but Sonny shook that thought away as soon as it came. It was a dream, he reminded himself. People dreamed regularly, every night, they just didn’t often remember it as well as he did.

They just didn’t turn them into reality like he did.

In the months they’d been together, Sonny had never told Rafael what had happened. Not because he wanted hide it from him, but because he didn’t want Rafael to think he’d somehow cheated his way into their relationship. 

But the longer they were together, the more Sonny felt the urge to tell him. He was confident that telling Rafael how much he’d longed for him would no longer scare him away, and he was sure that telling Rafael he was in this for the long-run was what he expected. 

Weren’t dreams supposed to be the manifestation of a person’s unconscious thoughts and desires? A reflection of their best hidden emotions, fears, wishes? It seemed only fair for Sonny to share those things with the man he loved.

With the man who loved him back. 

“I can feel you staring,” Rafael grumbled, not opening his eyes. 

“I can’t help it when my bed partner looks so cute in his sleep,” Sonny teased with a giggle.

“ _ Bed partner _ ,” Rafael hummed. “Is that what the kids call it these days?” 

Sonny laughed. “I’ve been calling you my new roommate, to be honest. Mike thinks it’s hilarious.”

“He would,” he huffed. “I should be offended.” 

“You’re a good roommate, Raf,” Sonny teased, throwing an arm over him.

Rafael scooted over as much as he could, until they were skin to skin. He sighed, eyes still closed. 

“You want to sleep in a little more?,” Sonny offered. “We can have a late breakfast.”

Rafael’s only reply was pressing a kiss to Sonny’s chest, and then his breath got deeper and his weight fell harder against Sonny. 

Sonny didn’t go back to sleep; he closed his eyes and inhaled the smell of Rafael’s shampoo, but stayed very much awake as he fought against himself to push away the weird stirring in his chest that flared every time he remembered the dream. 

Elena had looked like the perfect mix of the two of them, blonde wavy hair that reminded him of Bella and Rafael’s gorgeous green eyes. She was smart, lively and loving. For a moment he caught himself wondering who she’d grow up to be. 

And there was also their dog Trixie, a Golden Retriever with the biggest personality Sonny had ever seen. She was obsessed with Sonny, following him around everywhere, but it was Rafael’s commands she obeyed the most. 

Before he knew it, Sonny was smiling. What a beautiful family they made. 

Sonny opened his eyes, blinking away the wetness there. He had Rafael right there with him, their first anniversary was fast approaching. Maybe they could discuss getting a dog. 

He knew Rafael liked cats and Sonny wasn’t against them at all, but with the image of Trixie so clear in his mind, Sonny thought he should use his arguing skills in his favor. 

One step at a time.

* * *

Sonny had been surprised by how quickly their relationship evolved. It was like a switch had been flipped; one day they were  _ friendly _ coworkers, the next they were dating exclusively. 

But it was a couple months into going out together that Sonny found out that it was not sudden at all. According to Rafael, it had been brewing for years. 

“From the moment we met,” he’d said with an amused shake of his head. “I knew there was something different. That’s why I kept you at arm’s length for so long, I didn’t understand what it was at all.” 

From early on, Sonny learned about Rafael’s past relationships. Not only romantic ones, but also with his childhood friends and his family. It was all so very complicated it turned Sonny’s brain into tight knots, but by listening to those stories he understood why the ADA was so guarded. 

And truth be told, that made having Rafael open up to him even more beautiful and exhilarating, and Sonny cherished it with his whole being. 

Much to Sonny’s confusion, however, Rafael said it all changed the morning Sonny had called him out of nowhere, asking where he was on that eventful Sunday morning. 

“I was having  _ such  _ a nice dream about you,” Rafael had said. “And then you called and I thought it was a sign, if you believe that.” 

Sonny had been so shocked he hadn’t asked what the dream was about, but the niggling at the back of his mind about telling Rafael everything had started then. A part of him also couldn’t help but wonder if any of Rafael’s dreams were like his. 

And so about an hour later, when Rafael walked into the kitchen and went straight for Sonny’s cup of coffee, Sonny smiled, kissed him on the forehead and took the leap.

“Hey, remember a few months ago when you told me you were having a nice dream about me before I called you that Sunday?,” Sonny asked, and Rafael’s reply was a positive hum mid-sip. “Do you remember what the dream was?”

Rafael didn’t say anything until he’d drain the whole cup, then gave Sonny a brief kiss good morning. Unsurprisingly, Sonny tasted coffee on his lips. 

“I’ve had a fair share of dreams about you, especially after you shadowed me,” he admitted unabashedly. “I think in that one we were on a beach somewhere.” 

“In England, maybe?,” Sonny offered.

“I’m not sure. It was really warm, but I don’t remember a lot of details,” Rafael considered it for a moment, then started smiling fondly. “There was also one where you met my mother and she absolutely  _ loved  _ you.”

Sonny smiled back. “Well, I’m glad that one turned into reality.” 

“Me too,” he nodded. “If I remember correctly, I think I also dreamed of the two of us opening a pro-bono firm, and Rita hated us for it. Buchanan tried to sabotage us, I think.”

“He would,” he laughed. “What else?”

Rafael frowned as he tried to remember. “Those are the ones that stuck, most of them are very simple, like a walk in the park, late dinners, a trip to Italy, things like that. Why, did you have a dream about me?”

Sonny couldn’t help but chuckle. “Yeah, and then some. Why don’t I make you some breakfast and we can talk?” 

Rafael immediately agreed, opening up a cabinet to grab his own mug. “Is there more coffee?” 

They managed to drain the pot before breakfast was even served, so Sonny started a fresh one and set their food on the kitchen island. They sat side by side on high stools, both turned slightly towards the other even as they ate.

“So, the dreams?,” Rafael said, splitting the rest of the bacon cubes in half and serving half of it to Sonny, then the other half to himself.

Sonny took half of his own portion and slid it over to Rafael’s plate. “I started having really,  _ really  _ detailed dreams about you. The reason why I called that morning was because I thought the dream I had was real, and we were actually married.” 

Rafael looked at him in surprise, both eyebrows up. “That’s why you sounded so serious when you told me to ‘come home’.”

“I got worried,” he nodded. “I thought something had happened to you because I was convinced you were supposed to be in bed with me.” 

“I’ve heard of vivid dreaming before,” Rafael said tentatively. “Was that what happened?” 

Sonny shook his head, took a deep breath and told Rafael everything. All the dreams, the investigation, the bookshop, Leti. The more he said, the more nervous Sonny felt. Suddenly very much aware of his own words, he was afraid of what Rafael might have to say about a dream God playing around in his subconscious. 

However, when he was done, he settled back into his seat with much lighter shoulders. There was nothing else looming above them now, it was all out and Sonny was free. 

“I honestly had no idea you were going through that, then,” Rafael said quietly, calm. “That sounds absolutely nerve wracking.” 

“It was confusing coming to terms with the fact that none of it was real, but that I still had feelings for you underneath it all,” he shrugged one shoulder. “But they were supposed to be just dreams, like yours.”

“Then what happened?,” he frowned slightly.

Sonny huffed. “Leti wasn’t sure, she just said I had a very  _ open mind _ because despite not remembering my dreams it let me twist my perception of things.” 

“That sounds dangerous,” Rafael’s frown deepened. 

“She said it wasn’t, that it isn’t harmful in any way because all these thoughts are already stored up in there, so she just ‘pulled the thread’,” he chuckled. “That’s what she called it.” 

Rafael seemed to consider it for a moment, studying his face and going over his words. Sonny could see his brain working, putting pieces together. It showed in Rafael’s eyes and in his posture; it was a meaningful but comforting look. 

“It all stopped when we got together?,” he asked after a minute. 

“It had,” Sonny nodded. “Then I had another one last night.” 

Rafael blinked. “About what?”

For a moment, Sonny considered not telling him. They’d just started living together, and talk of having a family might be too much, but he’d explained what it was, what it meant, and he was ready to let it all go. 

So Sonny told Rafael about Elena and Trixie, about their brownstone and their summer day. Rafael’s face just got fonder and fonder as Sonny added all the details together, and by the end he was full on smiling.

“Come here,” Rafael said, setting a hand on Sonny’s shoulder and pulling him closer. 

He pressed a warm kiss to Sonny’s mouth, soft and tender. 

“That sounds like a very nice dream,” Rafael said, his other hand on Sonny’s face. “I’ve always wanted a dog growing up.” 

Sonny perked up. “What kind of dog?” 

“A big, cuddly one,” he smiled. “Like a Golden Retriever or a Labrador, maybe. Or a Chow Chow.” 

Sonny pulled him into another kiss, even though it was hard when they were both smiling so much. 

Later that night, once Rafael had settled into his arms, Sonny turned off his bedside lamp and sank into the mattress with a happy sigh. But before Sonny closed his eyes to sleep, something caught his attention.

It was coming from their brand new armchair by the wardrobe; a light, blinking in rhythmic intervals. 

Sonny lifted his head from the pillow, careful as to not to dislodge Rafael. He blinked in the darkness, trying to get his eyes to better adjust, watching the source of light with a deep frown.

Before he could make it out, it lifted slowly into the air, still blinking. And as it moved towards the window, Sonny realized what it was. 

A small firefly, watching them, hovering in the air just a few feet from their bed. Sonny stared at it, still frowning but mostly out of annoyance now. The firefly approached the bed, and Sonny was half expecting it to morph into Leti right there. 

Instead, the firefly stopped blinking.

Sonny could still see its shadow in the air, and watched attentively as it flew to the window and escaped through the gap between the latches. He sighed, letting his head fall on the pillow again. 

Rafael shifted closer to him, mumbling something under his breath. Sonny turned back to him, a soft smile on his face, and closed his eyes. He fell asleep ten minutes later, safely sure that when he woke up again Rafael would still be there with him. He would be for many more nights to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's over ))): Thank you so much to everyone who was here for these past two weeks and a half, it's been so much fun talking to you about this story and sharing this world. I struggled so much to figure this out and it's crazy to think it's over and out. 
> 
> Let me know how you feel about this ending, and your favorite bits of the story! See you on the next adventure MWAH

**Author's Note:**

> You guys voted for new chapters at 10am est, and I'll try to fall somewhere close to that. My ideia is to post a new chapter every week day, but because I still have classes, I have to push it to later here and there. Make sure to follow me on twitter @pastelpinktv because I'll let you know about any delays through there.
> 
> Now let me know what you think of this premise so far!! I missed talking to yall over here and I'd love to hear your thoughts. Also don't forget to hit the kudo button if you're at all intrigued by this story!! MWAH see you tomorrow


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